Unwrapping Vulnerability and Festivity in the 12 Days of Podmas

Speaker 1: 0:08

Hey, cuties, welcome back to Five Years Time podcast with your host, grace. I'm so excited that you've joined us. It is Wednesday today, which means, duh, it's Five Years Time day. We're releasing a new episode of the podcast. But did you hear that intro? Hmm, what have I had up my sleeve? Well, cuties, welcome to 12 days of podmas Dun-dun-dun-dun. I've been working very hard, and continue to do so, for the rest of December Well, not the rest of December, okay, I spoke too quick there Until Christmas to release an episode every day for my cutes.

Speaker 1: 0:51

This time of year for me can be full of so many different emotions and, as you know, here at Five Years Time, we're all about embracing the highs and the lows to bring us the joy and beauty that life has. It is an adventure and I find that this time of year can be really, really, really rollercoaster-rific and every year is a little bit different as we process. Well, at least for myself, as someone who celebrates Christmas and embraces this time and can only speak from the obvious perspective of my life, I'm here to share and help us process and all the emotions that come along with the Christmas holiday and this time of year. I have always been quite a person of reflection and introspection and I realized so many different things about this season. As a kid. It was a repetition, it felt traditional. It felt the same feelings most years. As I entered into my older teen years and adult life, I realized that Christmas holds so much different weight in my life and that it has been a rollercoaster of what's this year going to bring. Where is my headspace going to be at? How am I going to feel this Christmas? Is it going to be exciting and magic? Is it going to be sad? Is it going to be lonely? Is it going to feel full of love? Is it going to feel a little bit empty? This year, we are going to be processing all of this together leading to the 12 days of Christmas. So thanks for joining me. I'm so excited to hop in and I'm super excited for this series, this little time. I'm so excited that I get to spend the 12 days leading up to Christmas with you, because it's just going to be so fun.

Speaker 1: 3:00

What 12 episodes in a row oh my gosh, cute. Thanks for joining Five Years Time. If you're not following on Instagram, go hit us up over there. If you're not following on TikTok, you can find us everywhere at Five Years Time Podcast. Okay, cuties, each episode is going to have a theme surrounding something that I felt within my heart I wanted to talk about, and today, kicking off 12 days of podmas, I really want to talk about thankfulness, because I am, honestly, endlessly thankful for all of the cuties, for this space that we've created and for this outlet that I have in my life. I, as you know, have wanted to partake in podcasting for so, so long before I started. Can you believe we're coming to the end of our third year of Five Years Time? That is just wild.

Speaker 1: 3:52

As we wrap up this end of season, I just have so much to reflect on about how grateful I am to be here and sharing with you. I just first wanted to start off by saying that this past year, you have given me so much grace. I feel like anytime I say grace, I always am like because my name's Grace, but anyways, you have given me so much grace this year, working through my big feelings and my thoughts regarding my life and my time spent online. I feel like this year has really, really been the year of almost stepping back and allowing myself space to breathe and understand what I want for my future and for my day to day, and what is the reason for everything Like why have I chosen to switch career paths and take an online approach and work for myself, and why, why did I do that and why and how do I want to continue to support what my dream for my life was? It's so easy to get carried away and taken and swept up in all of this, especially in this online world, because, honestly, you can do anything you want. It's like you have the ability and power to change your life for how you want it to be, and the ability to work online and for yourself and use social platforms to create revenue and income for your family or your personal life is amazing. It is a powerful thing, and it is so easy to get lost in why you want it to do that For me. I want it. Flexibility, I want it. I want it the ability to be present in Rose's life as much as possible, not even just in her young life, but moving forward into the future. I want to be as present as possible.

Speaker 1: 5:56

I grew up in a family where I had a single mom who worked lots, and I love my mom like oh my gosh two at death, of course, but I never had that and she was amazing. This has nothing to do with her, and this is what I always feel like I need to not feel like my opinion is a reflection of anybody else in my life. Anyways, I always wondered what it would be like to have the mom who was able to I don't know just be there or be home sick. If you're home, they are able to be home sick with you. Or, oh my gosh. I always say to Roe you've got this luxury life, girl, you get to lay in not that she sleeps in, we wake up early, but lay in and chill out in the morning. We don't have to get up and rush.

Speaker 1: 6:45

I was a before and after school kid. I was there the second, the door opened for before and after and I was the last one there at the end of the night. I love how that shaped my life. It's a huge reason why I ended up working as an ECE and doing before and after school, because I absolutely valued that part of my life and, that being said, roe always wants to be in the before and after school program. Whenever she sees the kids going to the gym, she's like I want to do that and I'm like girl. I know it's so fun, but also there is a beauty in me getting to be part of Roe's life as much as I possibly can. That's where I feel my heart drawn is to have that flexibility and that time with her, because time is forever just flying, literally so much.

Speaker 1: 7:31

I also have the perspective of having my dad, who passed away at a young age he was only 50 and I was only 15 and I feel in my heart that could happen at any time. It really can, and I feel like I know the reality of how fast death can come upon us, especially that being a sudden death in my life. Of course, if you want to hear more about that, you can check out my Journey with Greeth episode, greeth episode. But I feel like I struggle to push past those feelings inside of me where I am so ever aware that I try not to put what is it called Value into numbers in so many ways in my life, but especially in age. But I can't shy away from telling you that I have been feeling this overwhelming feel ever since I turned 30, understanding that I'm 30 and I'm not saying this is going to happen, I'm only ever trying to put out good things into the world. But my dad was 50. That's 20 years from now.

Speaker 1: 8:52

But if I was passed away 20 years from now, what do I want to do in those 20 years? And the thing is, it could be even sooner, it could be even later, of course, but I just have this feeling in my soul, in my heart, where I'm trying to shake it off as not a negative feeling or a projection into what I'm bringing into me, but in more, I'm trying to turn my mind into thinking what is it that I want from this world, this precious life that I have and these precious people in my life? Also, just a little side note if you're watching on YouTube, look, I got my Christmas mug for our 12 days of Podmas. But I just feel like I have been exploring all these thoughts so deeply and so a little bit too much. Maybe I don't think too much, necessarily, but I'm really trying to formulate and figure out how to Like, how do I and share that my thoughts stay positive in Projection into my life, because I really do think that our thoughts have power and I am a positive person Overall, but like I can't shy away from the fact that, like, these are feelings I've been having and they're very big, and so you have given me so much space to Think about this, and like there have been weeks where I just like One yes, we've gotten busy, life's gotten ahead of me, I have run out of, I don't have time, or We've been not feeling well, but then I find, in those moments when I slow down is when I really have the time to like, think through and process these emotions, and then they feel big and overwhelming and I'm not prepared to talk about them.

Speaker 1: 10:35

I'm not prepared to talk about anything else because that's consuming me. And so I'm trying to find balance and and I am so grateful that you have given me space this year to take breaks from the podcast when I need, and To allow me to just work through this stuff, because I honestly can't come here and share my thoughts and my feelings with you If I am not in a good headspace. When I do, I feel very emotional, emotionally vulnerable afterwards, and what do they call it? Like an emotional hangover of, of Share hangover. What is it? When you like, I don't know, but like I do, I always want to come here and share authentically and open and Give you what I have to offer, but at the same time like I'm not ready to talk about something and I Try and process it here first.

Speaker 1: 11:31

That can feel like a lot to me and it can feel too much and I don't necessarily want that Ron is out in the world like I'd like a little bit of Feeling and thought that I've put into it first, if that makes sense. Like just it's not even a filter, it's just like sometimes I come here and I say something and it's like, oh, I didn't even know, that's what I was thinking. And Now I'm trying to share my emotions with you in a very public environment and it just feels a little overwhelming afterwards and then I feel Not regret but like anxiousness and I don't want that. So it's been a balance. It's been a balance trying to figure it all out and I'm so happy that I get to come here and process those feelings with you after I have the initial realization, which is why we do this week I learned where I'm able to come after I've done a little bit of reflection on my week and and then process how I've learned from whatever the lesson of the week is and there's always so many different lessons and I'm I'm always happy to share them.

Speaker 1: 12:42

Obviously, this is literally what my podcast is about, but it does mean so much when you slip into my DMs and and come and comment on a video or whatever and say like, hey, this is how I've been feeling or oh, you've made me feel so much less alone and that Makes me feel so much less alone and that is the whole reason for this podcast. So we are kicking it off with bank thankfulness and my gift to you, because I do believe the best form of gift giving is sharing the gifts that you have been graced with, and for me, I I do believe that one of my gifts is sharing vulnerability and and Openness with people, and so I'm so glad that I can can use a platform like podcasting to Broadcast that to a larger audience than just the immediate people in my life. And so this year, my gift to you is our 12 days of podmas where we're just gonna work through the holiday times together and All of the emotions that that comes, that come along with that. So, yeah, yeah, I'm so excited so I didn't really get to speak on my set, but I I've Transform the studio a bit.

Speaker 1: 13:59

We have my Christmas mug and I think I'm just gonna wear this red sweater for every episode I record because it's my like holiday fun sweater. I do have one other red sweater. I was thinking I was like, oh, should I go through my closet and figure out like 12 different fun holiday looks? But like, realistically I don't think I have 12 fun different holiday looks, but maybe I'll like try switching up Less accessories like a bow or something I don't know. But like then I was like maybe it'll just be a staple, look, I'll come with my sweater and that'll be my fun festive funness. But anyways, I also have this amazing pillow which I actually got at home. Since earlier this season it's been sitting on our couch. I borrowed it for our set because, you know, re is reduced, recycle and I really don't think you need to go out and buy new things Every year or at all. So, yes, this is my fun holiday ski pillow and I've added this fun print which has Festive baking going on.

Speaker 1: 15:02

So there's some recipe cards and I think, like some I wanted to say Holly, but I don't know but anyways, some Some evergreen with red berries and just like the cute baking of Christmas. So I think that's so fun and I'm just excited to be here To celebrate the holidays with you. That being said, I would love to know what the holidays mean to you. If you could send me a DM or message me email me if you don't use social media at FyT pod At gmailcom I had to think about what my email was, but I Would love to know what the holidays mean to you and maybe like traditions you share. Oh, maybe I'll put a question box on Instagram, but I would just love to know more about what this time of the year means to you, so that I don't feel like I'm just sharing Open endlessly and not getting to know you as well, because we're really gonna get down and dirty this holiday season and just like break it all down.

Speaker 1: 16:03

I feel like Sometimes, or a lot of the times, or I think for myself, going into the, into the holidays as an adult, I, I there was like times where it just felt so empty and lonely and like I Almost just let it be that I thought like that's just what it is. Obviously, now I have a kid and like that makes it automatically a little bit more fun and magical, but still, like for myself, there was that time where I just those years where it was like what am I missing, what is missing, and I I Chose to then eventually dig down and not just feel, like me, the holiday season is sad or lonely, and figure out what it was and like how I could a fix, fix that and take control, and so that we will be talking a lot about that later on this week or next. Oh my gosh, cute we have so many weeks together but yeah, so I I also want to tell you this is kind of like a good housekeeping episode in the sense of explaining a lot about how this series is Gonna work. But every day we are gonna have a festive recipe. So it's gonna be a recipe that I, specifically in my life, have learned along the way from loved ones that have been a big part of the holidays for me, and I am going to share that recipe. I'll let you know here what it's gonna be, and then I will post a video on Tiktok and Instagram and I don't think I can post it on YouTube shorts, probably, but maybe I think I can post it like on YouTube. I think you can do a long form. I videos not long form, but like stand up videos. I think you can post those actually on YouTube now, because I won't film it horizontally, that'll just like it's too much, but I just want to make it accessible for as many people as possible, depending on what platform you listen to me on or follow me on or use in your daily life. But yes, I'm going to post a video and they're going to be savory, they're going to be sweet, they're going to be everything in between, but special dishes that have come into my life and are just staples. So we'll be sharing 12 recipes for the 12 days. That's going to be so fun. I guess I can tell you what today's recipe is going to be.

Speaker 1: 18:22

But we're going to kick off the season with Hello Dolly's, which I have shared about in multiple places. I've shared on my TikTok and I've definitely shared in one of my vlogs. But Hello Dolly's are like my childhood staple. When I think of any holiday function, it's Hello Dolly's, but definitely around the Christmas time it is such a big part of my upbringing. I feel like there's so many different names that people call them and different ways that people layer them, but I have my way that my mom taught me that, I just think is absolute perfection and the way that they're layered. So I'm so excited to share that this is going to be one of the best recipes that I can give to you, which is why we're starting off with it.

Speaker 1: 19:07

Because, one, it is so easy. Anyone can do it, like literally anyone. It is so, so easy. Two, they're pantry staples, in the sense that they might not be staples to you right now, but, like, if you make them and love them, they will be pantry staples. You will always keep I always do have on hand at least one of like all of the things that you need, because it's a few layers, but like all of these things you can keep in your house all year round. Like nothing is perishable. You can keep your nuts in the freezer, you can keep a butter in the freezer and then everything else you can keep in your pantry and you will always have this on hand.

Speaker 1: 19:46

A trick up your sleeve, I tell you these Hello Dolly's are because, one, they're so easy to, you will always have them on hand, the ingredients on hand. And three, it is just like the crowd pleaser of crowd pleasers, like everyone loves Hello Dolly's, except for the coconut haters out there. But like even I've had people comment on my video being like I hate coconut. And then people will be like I hate coconut too, but I love Hello Dolly's. Like, ultimately, you can literally sub anything you want, but then they become whatever you want to call them. But like, they are so freaking good, everyone loves them, everyone will ask you to make them and the fact that they are just so easy, oh, they are the ultimate, the ultimate holiday baked good. It's like what is it called holiday baked good? But I am so excited. So go over to any of those platforms I just said, basically all my social media. I will link it in the show notes too and I will show you how to make it. I will share all the ingredients and measurements and recipe, all of that stuff, and we are going to have the best time ever, like seriously, even just for yourself.

Speaker 1: 21:00

And the beauty of them most baked goods in general is that you can freeze them and then just have them at any point. So just make them. Just make them. If you're not going to eat them all within a day or two. Freeze them and then you are literally going to be in heaven. When you're just like in that mood for some sweet. You can pull it out, let it sit at room temperature for a bit, oh life. But yeah, hello Dollies are so good. Trevor's going to be so excited because, like, I have nowhere I'm going, but I'm making a Hello Dollies, so we are just going to have a huge tray and it's going to be amazing. Oh, I can't wait. Okay, cuties.

Speaker 1: 21:43

On a separate note, there's something I've been wanting to talk about recently and I just like I actually never, I don't think I realized that this was something that I was worried about or have feeling in my head Until I saw it, and then it was like I was reminded of something that I felt when I was younger, when, especially when I was like a teenager and into my early 20s. So recently, amber Fillerup had shared a thought. She was on a podcast and then she had shared to her stories a thought about when she re listens to anytime she's like in an interview situation on a podcast on someone else's platform, she'll like listen to the episode back and then she'll feel like, oh, why did I say it that way? Or like, hurry up, you're taking so long. Like she just like is rushing herself, being so negative, feeling like why would anybody you want to listen to what she has to say.

Speaker 1: 22:43

And it's like I heard that, I read that and then I was like, oh my gosh, is that why I talk so fast? I'm sure that's not a new thought to you, but I do talk fast. But I also feel like that's because I'm someone who just like, has endless things to say. Sure, there's times I like to be quiet and like be with myself lots of times, all the time. But, like, if I'm put in a situation where I can share and I feel in the mood to share, like I have lots of stuff to say and I feel like I definitely process my thoughts out loud, and so I think that is one reason that I talk so quickly. But then, all of a sudden, I realized, like, is that why it's so tough for me sometimes to like sit down and record the podcast?

Speaker 1: 23:30

Even today, before I was going to sit down, I have been so excited about this series. I had the idea of doing 12 episodes and I got so excited. I was like, oh my gosh, the cuties are going to love this. It's going to be so fun, it's going to be a great way to share my gift around the holiday time and I just like think it'll be a really good exercise for me to practice podcasting more often and like as opposed to doing like week to week episodes and just like digging deeper into my, my soul and my thoughts and sharing more.

Speaker 1: 24:13

Like I was just like really excited about it, like so excited and that's something that happens all the time in my creative process. Like I have a thought, I get so excited about it, I think everything through, like I I like create a full action plan all in my mind at once, and the best thing I can do when I have a creative thought is to write it down right away. For so many things and situations, like for so long I always thought like oh, remember, remember. And then I never do. Like you always think in the moment like I'm going to remember this, and then I never do like really I don't. And then years later I'm like oh yeah, and so like the best thing I can do is write it down.

Speaker 1: 24:48

And when I get in like those creative sparks like that where I really create a whole entire plan, it's like just write it down, get it down on paper. And this is where I become my worst enemy. I like stop myself in my tracks and I think, oh, before I even write down, like I've come up with a whole concept. And before I even write it down, I'm like, oh, you know what. Like why did I even think that was a good idea? Like nobody is going to care what I have to say, nobody's going to want to listen to 12 days in a row of episodes.

Speaker 1: 25:23

And like one of the biggest thoughts that I had had when I first did it was, like there's always that lull around the holiday time where people go on vacation and take time off, obviously to spend time with family, and just like take their end of year break. And I always feel like that's when I am really looking for a podcast to have so I can go on my walks every day where I've slowed down, where I have time to really embrace and take time and listen. And it's like, oh, this would be amazing. If I do these 12 episodes, you don't even have to listen to them. Obviously, you don't have to listen to them every day. You could save them for after that time between Christmas and New Year's, like even later on, but like they'll just be there and like if someone wants to listen to them, there'll be extra content for them to consume when sometimes there's a little bit of a content lull.

Speaker 1: 26:17

But like that was one of my benefits. In my mind I was like, oh yeah, and then I was like, why? And then I stopped myself because I was like, oh, nobody cares, like who, they're going to be annoyed. It's going to be annoying, like, but why do I think it's going to be annoying? Why do I think that about myself? Like, why am I thinking that I'm going to be annoying? Because one like sure I am annoying to people that don't get it, that don't like me, that come to my content, my podcast, my anything, and only can see me through a negative lens, and that's fine. We don't vibe, we don't get each other. I come off strong to you, I come off whatever displeasing.

Speaker 1: 26:57

Actually, I had a funny comment this past week that was like you've changed so much. It was on a video where I was like so hungry and I was making a snack plate and I was being like silly and like literally that is what my content was built off of is being silly and making food. Like that is like, at the core, what my TikTok was built off of. And so this person was like you've changed so much, like you're trying so hard, you're such a try hard I can't follow you anymore, whatever. And I was like fine, that's fine, don't follow me.

Speaker 1: 27:27

But like I was like literally in my mind afterwards I'm like working through what I would say to this person I never interact like I usually never interact with someone who is trying to like, especially in that case, like it's like why are you telling me this? Like you can think that for yourself. But like, do you want to make me feel bad on your way out? But like, no, you're not making me feel bad, you're making me understand and realize even more so that like who I am to you as a viewer is whatever you've chosen to create about me, right, like I can only be my most authentic self. And you take bits and pieces and you create a picture in your mind of who I am as a whole to you. But like you'll never really going to know who I am until you meet me and get to know me like, and even so, then, like you only get to know so much, but either way, so I was just like this person has obviously only seen like a few videos of mine and has perceived me as I don't know, a boring human being, because once I one time, when the one time she sees a video of me where I'm like so freakin fun, she's like you're so annoying and I'm like she has insecurity about that and that's too bad.

Speaker 1: 28:42

So, anyways, it's just one of those things where, like, I know I'm doing something right when people are, when it's polarizing for people and people think I'm annoying or weird, especially if they think I'm weird. I have a whole episode where I talk about how I'm weird. I love that about myself and I am always quick to forget how much I love that about myself because it pushes people away. But it doesn't push the right people away. It pushes the people that don't need to, don't need to be in my life, because all we can do is live our most authentic self. So, anyways, back to my realization that I am hard on myself and thinking that what I say doesn't matter and what I say no one should have to listen to and that I don't have value to add, and this goes so far back.

Speaker 1: 29:38

Like one, I think it's like a female thing, like I definitely think it's a male thing as well. I'm not trying to be gender biased, but like I do think that like a lot of the time that females are made to feel like they're less than in their thinking process and their knowledge and their understanding, especially like there was a time where it was like cool for girls to be like a ditzy or dumb and or come across as that, like I'm not saying. I honestly think that even people who come off across as ditzy or dumb like they really aren't there. They have something beautiful within them and they're portraying themselves as one thing and if you get past that, you're going to learn more. But anyways, I remember when I was in middle school, like if you were like a ditzy, ditzy girl, like it was like, oh my gosh, like that is the it girl, but what? Because it makes guys feel secure in themselves, because they can come off as like oh, I'm taking care of you and don't worry. Like I, I know, I know like I can help you, I can guide you. Like you're not going to test me or make me feel less than at any point not that someone being educated should make some, or or articulate should make you feel less than, but like that is an insecurity in themselves.

Speaker 1: 31:02

Anyways, it's this whole thing and it's like I've just been thinking about this like why do I still to this day have those feelings where it's like what I'm saying is worthless, no, literally so much worth don't have, don't think that you're worthless, like? And then when you get down into it, it's like I'm thinking like it's not just this shallow thing or this like level, what is it? What is it when there's like this is not this upper, like top layer thing, where it's just like, oh, I don't think that like, like I'm just saying blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, like nobody really cares, I'm just sharing my opinion or my thoughts. It's not even that. It's like you go deep down, deep down, deep down, dig, dig, dig, dig, dig, and it's like then you start saying understanding that it's like bigger than this and that it's an insecurity in the inside of you that is really affecting like every single thing that you do and that affected me growing up a lot.

Speaker 1: 32:08

Like, as I was saying, in my early or my high school years and early 20s, I never thought that I had anything good to add to most conversations, like I had an inner circle or I had the people, and not even inner circle, I had people in my life who I was. I was always came off as shy and people would tell me all the time that that I, like they would say that I came off as a bitch, which I think is so common for people who come off as shy but then also have like an extra verdant side to them that, once they feel protected and understood and safe, they can allow to let loose, because I think it comes off as like, oh, you're so open and bubbly and care caring with these people, but when I'm in the room or when I meet you or whatever, you're like so standoffish and like it comes off as not giving me the time of day, like I truly do think that that is like a very common experience for a lot of people who come off as shy but have that extraverted side to them that they're not sharing with everyone, and so then it like I would always feel, like I still feel like that to this day is what I'm trying to get at is that like I never felt like I had anything good to say. I was not book smart, and it's not even that I wasn't book smart. I didn't give myself the confidence to allow myself to learn and feel book smart because I for so long thought, like my whole life I never felt like I was in a safe environment where I could learn to do something Like.

Speaker 1: 33:57

I felt like everyone around me was always good at whatever they were good at. People were good at sports, people were good at reading, people were good at all these things and I was never. I never felt like I was good at it the first time I tried and then I felt like if I was to try more, then I was made fun of like, if you want, I never got into any sport except for, like independent sports that I did on my own, like skiing and stuff like that. But I never got into any sport at school or in an after school student setting because I wasn't good the first day I tried and then people would make fun of you if you weren't good, or they made fun of other people and then so you were scared that they were going to make fun of you if you were trying. But the only way you can get better at something is by practicing and trying and learning, and that was the same with reading.

Speaker 1: 34:42

I never thought I was good at reading and I always was so terrified to be selected in class when there was like you know when they'd be like, okay, we're going to read this chapter from the textbook, let's all go around and read a three sentences or whatever. And I would like scan those three sentences like if it was like going in order of the seats. I would like literally do the math to figure out where my three sentences was. And that whole time I was not listening to what anyone was saying, I was just reading those three sentences in my mind over and over again so that I could like prepare myself the amount of anxiety I had over having to read those three sentences out loud and feeling like I was going to make a mistake. It was okay, it's okay to make a mistake, but like I felt like there were so many, the environment was not okay for making mistakes, like people made it feel like it wasn't and I didn't have the understanding or confidence to push past that.

Speaker 1: 35:35

And it's not like I even wanted to be friends with these people who were mean or judgmental. It was just more of I wanted to feel accepted and I felt like, if I like tried at something new, that I knew that I was not, or I just like knew that I wasn't going to be perfect at I'm not, I'm literally never going to be perfect at anything but I just felt like it was in a good place. So I silenced myself, like I literally just like turned inwards and that's where my shyness came from and I just felt like I didn't want to hear people's perceptions of me so I didn't allow them to know me and I so I'm so happy for the people that I did that have like eventually let into my life and they're still such huge parts of my life today and I think that that's that's a benefit of that. There's always a positive, but like I'm not saying that's what you should do, but like there was a benefit in the sense that, like I really was thoughtful with my friends, the people who I accepted and felt it accepted me, and to this day they can still we still can just be silly, silly billies. Like literally that's all I want in my life is to just be silly and fun and just like try new things and have conversation and like feel like you can say anything and it can be open and processed and you're not going to get me fun of and like I love to like have a fun chirp moment, like let's all just like have fun and like chirp on each other and be sarcastic and dry, like I love that, especially when I'm in like a safe, safe setting with people that I trust and understand, but like at the same time there was a difference. But now, moving all the way forward into today, where I've just realized this past week like oh my gosh, I still have those feelings in me and now I'm in this new environment, aka we've, we've moved, we're here. I still feel like this is a new environment to me.

Speaker 1: 37:41

Everywhere I go, because I haven't really set up roots, like socially with people. But I still feel like, even when I'm going to pick up row or going to wherever, walking down the street or walking down the street, anytime I'm in a social setting, like at church or whatever, I always feel like nobody cares what I have to say, like I have nothing good to say. It's not, this is not on them, this is me, this is all me. It's like I have nothing good to say, so I just need to avoid saying anything and I just avoid it. And then I always think, like in my mind it's like I would love if someone would just reach out to me and say hi, like I would love that. Like if someone gives me an inch, I think it might take a mile. I'm like, oh my gosh, let's be best friends. Like well, as long as the vibes are right. But like if someone gives me an inch in a conversation or down the street, like I will open up and give them so much and I like I'm craving that. But I get so fearful that like nobody cares, like no, I'm bothering someone if I ask them how their day is or have a little bit of small talk or whatever. And it's like opposite, if I think about it flipped, it's like I want someone to do that for me, like I would love that. So like I need to move past my inner secure insecurities and be able to do that for other people. So I sorry, my voice just keeps going in and out.

Speaker 1: 39:15

I am trying really hard, especially like to end off the year because I never believe. Like I love resolutions in the sense that I love looking back on what your year was and what you would like to bring into this year and like kind of giving each year like a word. I don't even give it to a, I don't give my years a word at the beginning of the year. I usually give them word at the end of the year. This year, to sum it up, was whatever. And so what am I gonna take from this year and move into next year? And then to start it as soon as you figure that out? So, like, for me it's like oh, I just figured this out. A pivoting life, bob.

Speaker 1: 39:52

So now that I figured this out, it's like I want to start now being that energy for somebody else and like, take it at face value, like I have started smiling to everyone. Like no more looking down when I'm walking, especially when people are passing by me, like say hello, say good morning, good afternoon, if it's not a setting where you think you can get that in a smile and I have not received them back, like right. I feel like we all, a lot of now, we live in a world where, like, when you pass someone on the sidewalk, you look down, they look down, you look away, they look away. So, like, even when the person's looking away from me, I'm smiling, like and I'm looking at them looking away from me and I'm smiling because that is a practice that I can do and eventually, like every so often the person smiles back in the year, they're saying good morning back. But like, even if they don't and it gets not a personal thing, like they're just looking away they don't even notice I'm smiling. And if they do and they don't want to smile, like whatever it's their space, their zone, but like I'm just putting out the energy. I'm putting out the energy that, like, I am welcomed, I am welcoming, I have good things to say. If a conversation comes from this we can talk.

Speaker 1: 41:05

Like I just feel like I want to be the person that I'm looking for. Like this is I've talked about it this whole year for this whole podcast that I am really in the mood to foster, or really in the I have this yearning in me to foster a relationship even I'm now realizing like even relationship that I already have in my life, and not necessarily new relationship, but yes, I would love new relationship too. Like I'm always looking for good company. I think that that's something that's really important and can shape us, and I don't have like a mom friend per se, so that could be something good too as well. But like I think why we as people don't don't or feel emptiness in our friendships sometimes is because we don't put out into the world what we're looking for, and I think that's a big part of why I don't, why I feel emptiness in a lot of ways, like in any view. I think you can take that and put it into any category of loneliness that you're feeling. Yeah, so I think for myself, like I am looking for just good vibes and good conversation and comfort and connection and the accessibility accessibility in that as well and why I'm not achieving that so easily is because I'm literally not putting that out there.

Speaker 1: 42:50

Like I need to continue with my smiling exercise, where I smile at people. My favorite is going on walks, because you can always get a good morning on a walk. But I'm really trying to push myself like walks and like trails, I mean, but I'm really trying to push myself into the sidewalk smiles where you're just passing by someone and you smile or you're getting, you're going into the grocery store or whatever that is. I'm just trying to really like the more you. It's all about practice, right? As I said, I was so fearful growing up to push myself to try something new because of what other people would say. But did that matter? No, it didn't, because I have perspective now. So I now realize like I just need to keep practicing, because the only way that things can become a little more comfortable is by practicing, and it's always good to be pushing yourself past your comfort zone because that's where growth comes from. And I am incredibly proud of the person that I have grown into be now and I want to continue growing into whatever the next Pokemon evolution of me is.

Speaker 1: 43:57

I don't really know much about Pokemon. I just know that they start as one thing and they turn into something else, and the only reason I said that is because of Roe is currently like obsessed with Pokemon, because our neighbor had Pokemon and it's just like the Pokemon cycle, right, it always comes back when I worked in childcare, like it was always Beyblades and Pokemon and they always came back Like they will always have their moment. And when they do have their moment, it's like everyone all in obsessed. Beyblades and Pokemon, like those are the two that at least in my life I've realized. So currently we're in a Pokemon mode. Roe doesn't even know what Beyblades are. I think she's probably a little young. Beyblades are kind of scary too. They can be dangerous, but anyways, that's a side tangent, but yeah.

Speaker 1: 44:43

So that is something that I am really working on right now and that I've just had this huge epiphany over this past week and I just like can't believe sometimes things, just like you just see something and it literally sparks like this huge shift in your mindset. Like oh my gosh, I don't think I have anything good to say, or like I feel like people think that what I have to say is whatever and I feel like I have to speak faster so that I can get my thought out there before someone wants to move on with the conversation. It's like no, like I can, I'm always gonna speak fast, like that's how I speak, but like at the same time I do do that when I'm in a social setting and I'm in a group, I do feel like, oh, I gotta speak quicker because someone's gonna cut me off. It's like no, it's okay. And also I don't mind conversation back and forth who are like not necessarily you're cutting each other off, like I know people consider it cutting off, but I like the conversation where it's like I say a little bit, then all of a sudden, and that sparks something in you, so you say a little bit and then we bring it back and then blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 45:46

I love that kind of conversation. I know other people hate it, but my husband specifically, like he hates that and it's like that's hard for us because I will always jump in and be like, oh my gosh, like squirrel example, like you know from that movie. But anyway, I say, is that up where it's like squirrel? No, is that anyways? But like I always feel like I need to interrupt with however that has sparked their conversation has sparked something within me and I believe that that's a relatability like I'm letting you know, like, oh my gosh, like I totally vibe with that, because blah, blah, blah, blah. Oh yeah, like I've had a similar experience and that's something I have to work on too is also not doing that as much or reading the room, but like when you find the people who communicate the same way as you, it is so flawless, like it feels so good and I love conversations like that. But yeah, anyways, I feel like I just gave you so much food for thought.

Speaker 1: 46:42

So, if you feel like this is something that's been taking over your life as well, without you even realizing, I'm glad that I was able to shed that light on you and I'm glad that Amber shared that in her story because all of a sudden I was like, oh what, okay, but wrapping up this episode of Podmas, I was debating what we should call it and, like you know, vlogmas. So I was like, okay, I'm just gonna do Podmas. I was gonna do 12 days of Christmas, but then I was like I don't know if that's general and I don't know, but we can always workshop the title if we're gonna do it again or do it for something else. But anyways, I just really wanted to wrap this and round this up with letting you know that I am so endlessly thankful for all you listeners out there. It means so much and if you wanna review the podcast, that would be amazing for me because, honestly, it is the like number one way that a podcast can grow. So I am so grateful for you.

Speaker 1: 47:39

I can't wait and guess what. I will see you tomorrow. Cute, if you're on YouTube or hear you listen to you. I will be with you tomorrow because another episode will be coming. So thank you for being here on our first day of the 12 days of I almost called it vlogmas of the 12 days of Podmas. Ah, I'm so excited. Also, don't forget to check out the Hello Dolly recipe because you will want to make it for whatever, whatever situation you have going on in your life. It is the back pocket essential. I promise, I promise Love you all, mwah, mwah, mwah. Thanks a lot.