The Intimate Struggle of Identity in the New Parenting Era

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey everyone. You're listening to Five Years Time with your host, grace Black. Five Years Time podcast, season 4. I guess I should just put four fingers up if you're watching on YouTube Season 4. Can you believe it? I actually can't believe that we're going into our fourth year of this podcast. What I'm so excited for you to be here. If you're new, welcome for my OG cuties. I'm so happy we're back. Happy January. Today is such a snowy day, literally. I think it hit 8am and the snow just started falling in giant chunkies. It felt like we were living in the snow globe, which honestly, just felt so refreshing because it's been so gloomy, with a day of sun every six days or so. The snow just adds a little bit more of something to those dark days.

Speaker 1: 1:17

I never shower with lights on. My friend Haley actually told me about this the no light shower. It is so nice because our bathroom light has there's one switch and it controls the light on the mirror at the sink and then there's a light in the shower. When you have it on, all those lights go on and there's a dimmer switch. But when you dim it so far it flickers a bit just because we use LED light bulbs, the environmentally friendly ones so they don't dim, as well as the non-environmentally friendly ones. Anyways, I used to dim it, but then it was like I kind of don't like that. Then I saw this from my friend Haley. She said she had shared that she does no lights for less stimulation. I guess I was like I'm going to try that.

Speaker 1: 2:09

I always crack the window a bit and I like to have the window open. I do no light, which is awesome. But then also now, because mornings not even mornings have been so dark, I've been taking my showers when it's supposed to be sunny, like around eight o'clock, and it is so dark. But what can you do? The best is when I get an afternoon shower in on a sunny day, because the way the sun hits in our house it like shines into the shower if I crack the curtain a bit, and that is so lovely. But that has rarely to happen because it's been so gloomy.

Speaker 1: 2:43

But anyways, the snow today just made me so happy and I'm excited to come out of recording this podcast. Since I'm in a no window room to sit, I think I'm going to sit on my bed. Actually, I think I need to hang a few mirrors. I've been doing. We've been doing a bunch of stuff. I'll keep you updated on that, but anyways, I have some stuff I need to do and I'll have to get this all exported and uploaded and everything after, and so I just want to sit and I hope that the window has the snow falling still, because it's so lovely. I actually love snow. I love how quiet and calm it makes the world feel like. It really just adds this layer of silence and I love it so, so, so much.

Speaker 1: 3:26

Anyways, welcome back. I hope you had a wonderful break. I left you with a lot of episodes for our 12 days of Podmas and we are back with our sunshine in the studio and our orange pillow, which I am wearing literally all orange today. You know me, I've got my oranges like my favorite color. I have a lot of favorite colors, but like basically anything in this, like I love a sunset, I love pinkies and oranges and yellowies and I just love it. I love all colors, but those colors are really my favorite. But welcome back. I hope we all had a wonderful holiday. If you celebrate Christmas, I hope it was beautiful. The new year I hope you had a wonderful time.

Speaker 1: 4:05

I figure we'll do some weekly recap. If you're new here. I'm Grace, I'm the host. I am so excited that you're here. You can also. I just want to shout out that I'm back to weekly vlogging and over on YouTube so you can go follow me there for vlogs on Sundays and podcast episode video on Wednesday at Five Years Time podcast on YouTube. And then you can always follow for any day to day fun food content over on Instagram and TikTok at Five Years Time podcast. So that's my little shout out there. Okay, now let's hop into. I'm going to say weekly recap, but it's a couple of weekly recap, a couple of weeks of recap, because I haven't talked to you since right before Christmas. I believe Christmas Eve was my last podcast, which was a cutie one because Ro jumped in at the end and I love having little Ro memories. I actually have a folder on my computer of podcasts that she likes to record. She'll come in here and just talk on the mic and so I have all her little voices saved. It's so sweet.

Speaker 1: 5:12

Anyways, christmas was wonderful. It was a very chillaxing day. We actually had a little bit. It's been pretty much since Christmas that there's been no sun, but we did have a little sunshine on Christmas morning here, and then we drove to our family Christmases in a couple of cities over and it was just like gloom, but we did have a lovely Christmas. We had a lovely Christmas Eve with my mom and brother and then Christmas morning with just me, trevor and Ro, and then we had it over to my aunt's for brunch, which was lovely, and then Trevor's parents for Christmas dinner, which, equally, was all. It was just a very chill like that seems like a lot, but they're all chill events, so it was very nice.

Speaker 1: 5:53

And then we came home. Sometimes we stay over at Trevor's parents, but we came home that night and that was great because we woke up on Boxing Day and just had a total veg day. That was kind of a veg week like we just vegged. Trevor was off work for the first time in a long time, like of just like having a week off to hang out at home. He doesn't really he doesn't. He usually saves his vacation time for vacations or yeah. So that was just nice for us to all just literally chill.

Speaker 1: 6:23

The house became layers of layers of mess and clutter and toys and stuffies and I think by the end of it I was like over stimulated. I'm very overwhelmed. And so then we kind of went into full, like we switched from extreme chill to extreme purge and fix random things that need fixing, and then doing random bits and bobs around the house and switching up a bunch of random stuff, moving furniture around. We just went from one extreme to the next, which was wonderful. Me and Trevor were both on the same page and we did a bunch of random tasks that have been like on our list for so long.

Speaker 1: 7:03

You know, you know how it goes. You have like change light bulb here, new head, what is it called Showerhead here? This that whatever. We put in a new faucet in our downstairs bathroom. I got Trevor a bidet for Christmas so he installed that, which kind of inspired the new faucet. And then that inspired changing our showerhead up here, which is amazing because I've been wanting an arm showerhead for so long, because it's like 10 times easier to wash a shower and bath when you have an arm one like one that you can disconnect from the, from the wall. And so that is one reason. Another reason is it's easier for me to wash Rose hair because I have more control to not get soap in her eyes. And three, it's easier for me to wash the dog, because then I can just hose her off and Really get the soap out. Anyways, I'm just so excited. I also love it for myself and it is wonderful.

Speaker 1: 8:00

So, yeah, we honestly we had a week between Christmas and New Year's where we just vaged, and then we kind of turned that into at the end of the New Year's or at the closer to the New Year's, into, okay, let's just like start getting our house the way we want it for winter, because you know, wintertime You're just sitting in the home Enjoying it, and so we wanted to do that. And then New Year's was awesome too. I just need to fix my sitting situation. I Keep sitting in this chair uncomfortably and then I start talking. I need this mic closer to me so that I can really veg. Okay, whatever, we're gonna figure it out, we're figuring it out. Q it's. This is the Europe figuring out how I'm sitting. That makes me feel more comfortable.

Speaker 1: 8:45

But anyways, then we had New Year's, which was so wonderful, and we went to our friends, which, honestly, it was so chill. We went to our friends, condo downtown, and there was this big debate on if, or a rumor that I had heard that we were gonna go out and then ended it anyways. The weather I don't really. I hate going out in Toronto one New Year's. It's like I've done it. I've been there and I know that I don't like doing it anymore and I was like I really don't want to. And then, anyways, the weather ended up being so weird. It was like rainy, snowy, haley. It was going through like all phases of weather just like in a rotation the whole night, and so we ended up staying in all night. Yay, so that was so fun To just be able to stay in. And then I actually we were gonna stay at Trevor's sisters because her place is downtown and then we wouldn't have to drive all the way home, we could both just drink, chill, whatever.

Speaker 1: 9:39

But then I was like you know what I don't really feel like drinking going into the new year, I kind of just want to like have a fresh start. We had already like switched our mindset to like Working on the house, getting things done. I knew that I was gonna have row for a whole another week home and I had some work stuff that I needed to get done and I kind of just want it to like have Just start the year in a good way, but mainly start that week just like feeling fresh and Not lose a day to like a hangover anything. If I want it, even like not because I want it to be like go, go, go on New Year's Day, but even if I want it to like chill, I just wanted it to be like a nice chill, like not a hangover chill. You know what I mean. So, anyways, I was like you know what? I'm just gonna drive and I'd love for us to sleep in our bed, like I really just want to like start the day in ours, in our house. And Trevor was like okay, if you want to, and I was like that's what I want to do. So that's what we ended up doing and I'm so happy we did.

Speaker 1: 10:36

I Actually ended up getting a whole bunch of fun like sober drinks. Farm boy has like switched over there. They used to sell beer and wine and now they've switched over to like a sober bottle shop and so they always have so many fun drinks. So I got a bunch of fun drinks and I still had a great time. So, yeah, anyways, that was wonderful, except for the drive was like a little Treacherous on the way. There was more treacherous on the way home it wasn't as bad and we have friends who live in Burlington so we were able to drive them home, so that was awesome.

Speaker 1: 11:12

But Ro slept at my mom's and then the next day I had so much laundry to do so I literally just did laundry all day and watch shows, and then I picked her up after her nap time and and that was great. I just really needed to get that laundry out of the way. And I started a show called something Victoria white no, white, victoria white, princess white white, queen white, something like that, and I was gonna continue watching it. But I only watched half an episode before I went to pick up row, so I didn't really get fully into it. And then I started watching something else, which I'll talk about in Whatever it's called entertainment recap. I'm like, what are my segments called? But anyways, it was wonderful.

Speaker 1: 11:53

Then me and Ro had our week together. Trevor was back at work and we just like every day got out in the morning and ran errands because we needed to pick up little random things here and there, and so we had lots of errands and every day by lunch row was like it's been a big day of shopping, which, to be fair, it is like getting in and out of the car and like going to Canadian Tire and Home Depot and stuff like that is Exhausting. But I'm glad because we got everything we need to go. We actually actually took her to IKEA for the first time. I haven't been in an IKEA. Well, I guess I went into in into IKEA this summer with my friends when we were in Vancouver, but that was more of just like Going into brows. I knew I wasn't gonna buy anything because I had to fly home and whatever. But yeah, so I actually have been in IKEA. But I haven't been in an IKEA with the expectation of buying something and like a long time and I I Almost got like carried away and then I needed to like scale myself back.

Speaker 1: 12:51

I was like great, start with one thing at a time and the one thing I really need it was a new carpet. I've never looked at IKEA carpets before. Guys, they have amazing carpets for like not a lot of money and they're like so plush. Like I bought all our carpets for our house the cheapest I could from Wayfair and they came in like a day. So that was awesome and like they've really fun designs and stuff. But I'm gonna tell you they're like not cozy wozy carpets. They're like pretty, like Basic carpets, which is fine, I'm glad, because you know they have lived through Having a child and all of that. So I'm like glad I didn't invest in them and like they're not forever carpets.

Speaker 1: 13:33

But like I just needed a new carpet for a room because I put our room carpet in our basement because our basement gets so cold in the winter, I was kind of over it and it's a giant carpet anyway. So I was like I'll be good in the basement and I love it there. It's so cozy, wozy, it's good to play on, it's fine if things spill on it, whatever. But I was like I need something cozy for our room now. So Ikea had such amazing carpets for like under $200 that are so cozy wozy. I've only had it for a week so far. I'm loving it and it's so cozy wozy on my feet. So anyways, that was the main thing we went to IKEA for.

Speaker 1: 14:03

And then that led me to being like maybe I've wanted a king bed for so long. I just want one. I just know that it'll make our sleeping arrangement so much better. Me and Trevor always sleep so much better in a king bed. If row needs to come in in the middle of the night, there's room for everyone. I just know it'll be so much better. But it's kind of one of those things that's like Not a waste of money because it won't be wasted. It'll make such a difference, I know it, but it's like an unnecessary expense.

Speaker 1: 14:31

We have a perfectly fine bed. It's, we don't need it like it's not, we don't have to buy a new bed. That's. That's more of the thing. And I go back and forth, back and forth, back and forth. But in our guest room we have an IKEA bed that is like a day bed that pulls out into a Double single, so you put two single mattresses on it and then it's a king bed.

Speaker 1: 14:54

So we have that in our guest room and it's been with us since the condo. We got it for the condo, um, because my mom was coming to stay with us when she was. She had already retired and then we had two bedrooms and so we she had already retired and moved out of Toronto, but then she went back to work after retirement and so she just needed a place to stay throughout the Monday to Friday. So she was coming to stay with us in our guest room Monday to Friday. So we got that bed because it could expand, but it could also go back because our guest room wasn't huge but then also it could like accommodate human beings. So, anyways, we've had that bed for a long time and we've moved it here. It's been in our guest room, it's been in our main floor when we didn't have any furniture for like six months because everything was back ordered.

Speaker 1: 15:45

We had put it, we unbuilt it and put it back in our living room as a couch and then I feel like maybe we even took it to our basement once. I don't know, but it's been everywhere. We have taken it apart and put it back together so many times. But then I just like was, I was like maybe we just switched the beds, like we put the Ikea bed and I brought this up with Trevor a long time ago and he was like no, like our beds are more comfy than that, because it is not as comfortable because it's two single mattresses next to each other. We do have like a topper on it, but you can still feel where the mattress separates but I was like maybe if we just put it in our room I've had this itch for so long that I want a king bed. This is a free switch. So if we put it in our room and then also we had the mattresses going like so that the middle of it is like in the middle of your body, but then now I haven't set up so that the you like two people are kind of each sleeping on their own mattress.

Speaker 1: 16:41

Anyways, long story short is, I have taken that mat, I've taken that bed apart and I've put it in our room and I was like, if we love it, like this is, if we love it, then like we could choose one. We could keep the bed and then like the frame in there and buy a king mattress to put on it. Two, if we don't love this bed because this bed is very low to the ground and it is a day bed in the sense that it has like walls at the top, so if we find that annoying or whatever, like the sides, then we could buy a frame and a mattress. If we do love it and we like, really want it, like if this is the way we're going, but most likely a mattress, like an actual mattress, would be the best way to go because, like I think we do like the bed and I love it.

Speaker 1: 17:30

It has drawers underneath of it, which is amazing. I never use them when they were in our guest room, but now that it's in our room, it's like there's three drawers in the bottom of it and I can put our pajamas each in one drawer. So Trevor has pajama drawer, I have pajama drawer and they're deep. So then the pajamas are at the front and then behind I put our like extra bags and purses and things and then in the middle I have nothing so far, but I think I'm going to put our extra sheets in there, which will free up room in our linen closet, which is totally just like shoved to the brim because I have all our pool towels in there. Anyways, so far I'm loving it, literally obsessed, and yeah, I think in the near future I probably will like the mattress is okay for now, but I think it would be nice for us to get a actual mattress for the bed, but like mattresses are so expensive and yeah, sometime in the future, but right now I'm like literally obsessed. So that's a big change that has happened in this new year. That's just making me so happy and it's something I've wanted for so long and I'm glad that I was able to like think, just figure it out so that we didn't have to spend money. But yeah, so that's what I spent this past week doing is me and Ro, which has been hanging out switching furniture around, and Ro is officially back at school and I'm back into my new routine, slash old routine, and able to work without distraction, which is wonderful, but that's pretty much what we've been up to Like.

Speaker 1: 18:57

We also went and saw the last fireworks in Niagara Falls. They always do like fireworks over Christmas and we kept saying we were gonna go and every night we forgot. And then Ro reminded us on Sunday, which was the last night, and she was like I really wanna see fireworks and I was like, oh my gosh, is that still going on? And Trevor was like this is the last night. I was like amazing. So we went to that and we did a few of the attractions, which is always fun. So that was a good time and it's just been a wonderful like really relaxing holiday period and few weeks and I think like we've just really been taking a chill, like we didn't do many social things and that felt good, like I was feeling really anxious in life, like just like going into the new year and so I think it's been really nice to just stay low and focus in on the family and stuff like that. So, yeah, that's been feeling really good.

Speaker 1: 19:48

Okay, so let's get into our snack and drink of the week. Finally, I was literally just thinking I'm so thirsty but I'll start with my stack so that we can go into our drink. So my snack is Fatouche chips. Like I don't know where you can buy them. I'm sure you can get them at, like, middle Eastern stores, but I'm not sure if like other like I have never actually looked up Walmart or other grocery stores to see if they've had them, because Farm Boy has an in-store brand. But Fatouche chips, they're like a pita chip but they're fried in coconut oil and they're thinner and they're so so, so good. Yeah, so it's like a pita chip but thinner, and they're just like melt in your mouth, delicious with hummus. I love them. Ro loves them too. She's obsessed. We're in our Fatouche chip era. So Fatouche chips is my snack and then my drink cuties, I can't believe I'm telling you this.

Speaker 1: 20:36

Is this sparkling water, it's an aha, and it specific flavor is lime and watermelon. Now, I have never drank in this and I don't know why I had oh, I know why. So I never drink watermelon flavored things. I avoided at all costs. I don't mind, I love watermelon, I like watermelon candies. But I had a watermelon drink when I was younger, like a watermelon juice that I threw up everywhere on a car trip. So like ever since then, I just like never have watermelon flavored things. I will not drink them.

Speaker 1: 21:05

But I was with Ro at we were at either homesteads or winters or whatever, and we had gone to a couple stores already and she was so thirsty and I didn't have any water in the car and I think we had to go one more place. So I was like we're at the checkout and they have like a little drink fridge and the only thing they had left was watermelon and lime. Aha. So I was like okay, do you want this bubbly water? And she was like, yeah, I want that. I was like, okay, awesome. So I was like, oh, I'm gonna try a sip. Before she drank out of it. I don't know why. I want it to do that, but I did.

Speaker 1: 21:36

Oh, it is so good. It tastes just like a Jolly Rancher, like a watermelon Jolly Rancher, which is like the best Jolly Rancher. It is so friggin good. Like I am, I'm obsessed. We went about a case right away. Like I was, like we have to buy a case of this. So, anyways, I have my watermelon. Aha, let's open it up and take a sip. It's so good. It tastes just like a watermelon Jolly Rancher. It smells like it, it tastes like it. Yum yum, yum, yum, yum. We're almost done that. We also. While we were there, it was two cases for five or whatever, so we got this one, and then we got the passion fruit one, which I also love. But, yeah, I'm literally oh, I can't believe I've lived so long without that. So that's our snack and drink of the week.

Speaker 1: 22:27

Now let's get into what I learned this week. Gweeden's so last year. Since we are now officially into 2024, let's just do a little. A little overview of the 2023 year, which is my word. My word for 2023. Last year was all about finding clarity, and I think I did find that I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what my not even what my purpose is. That's not it, what my reasoning, what I want, what is my driving thing and how am I going to help myself based decisions to make sure that I'm living the life that I want to live. So last year was all about finding clarity and I feel like I found that. So 2024, this year, is all about taking that clarity and leaning into it, showing appreciation to my life and leading each day with the like, with my greatest wants at the center. And so today I'm just going to share a bit about what that, what that means to me, and how I'm moving forwards with that.

Speaker 1: 23:36

So my greatest role in life, I think, is motherhood, like as of well, I was going to say as of right now, but like I think like that's forever. Once you have kids, you're like kind of a mom forever. I, when I became a mom, like it felt so at peace for me, like it was a part of me that always existed and then was like unlocked and unleashed. I kind of stepped into like moming really effortlessly. Like that felt really flawless to me. Now, okay, saying this postpartum and stuff like that did not feel flawless and effortless to me. That stuff was hard, but like being a mom feels really just like a part of who I am and I'm grateful for that.

Speaker 1: 24:24

But I feel like for so long there I, I didn't know what was appropriate and not appropriate and this sounds funny because it's nothing is appropriate or not appropriate. You get to decide. But I didn't know, like I didn't want to lose myself to motherhood, which we all do at some point. It is so hard, especially at the beginning. You like kind of have to lose yourself to it, because you have a kid who is so, so, so attached to you in every way. You're feeding them, you're literally the breath they breathe, like it's just like so much. You are in sync, you are here, you were one with this person for a long time, and then eventually it starts to separate and they become their own human and you become yourself again.

Speaker 1: 25:10

And so I I was having a really like hard time figuring out what was, what was keeping me still grace, but also like learning to be a mom at the same time, if that makes sense. And so I found what was something that was really difficult in this transition was like transitioning from it's so hard, because I feel like, okay, I feel like we live in a world where like work is like such a part. Like you are your work, you are what you do for work. I feel like that is so such a big part of our society. And like life in general. Like when you think back when I think back to like being a kid it's like what do you want to be?

Speaker 1: 25:57

When you grow up, when you think back to high school, it's like anytime you go to a family function or meet someone who you haven't seen in a long time, it's like, oh, like what do you want to go to school for? Like where do you want to go to university, college? And then it's like when you're in university or college, it's anytime you see family or friends. It's always like, oh, like how's school? Like what do you think you want to do next? Like what do you think your job's going to be? And like it's never I don't know. Like the questions are never like how are you? Like I know that seems basic, but I feel like every connection we have with someone is like so how's work? Which I think is like literally the most boring part about a person, and we need to get more creative with our questions and wanting to know about people. But then also us as ourselves need to adventure further into hobbies and things outside of work and all of this stuff.

Speaker 1: 26:47

So when I went for my working life, which was like a huge part of me, to maternity leave, which was then full on motherhood. I found that separation really easy. Like I found that so easy because I knew at that point in my life like I worked and then here in Canada you get a year maternity leave and it's like this is the year of my life where I am to devote myself to motherhood. Now, like I'm not saying you have to do that, but like for me it was like that was really easy. It was like a year I get to devote myself to motherhood. At the beginning I literally could not even think of work. Like if people would call me about like questions they had about work, I found it really hard to turn on that part of my brain. I was like, okay, think, grace, think, think, which is so wild because that used to be like second nature, first nature to me, to just like know what needed to happen or talk about like whatever was going on, but anyway, so I found that really easy.

Speaker 1: 27:46

Going from working to maternity leave, like I found it easy to focus on being a mom. Like I'm not saying there's more to that, of course like it was lonely and there were times where I felt like I was having FOMO, but also I didn't get too much FOMO because it was also during the pandemic. So then everything closed down and then people were not work, so like it was a different situation. But overall I did find it easy to like tap into my motherhood side of me. That came very natural to me. Then we moved and I wasn't going to go back to the job I was supposed to go back to. So now I needed to find a new career and now this is where it started feeling very overwhelming. Like I feel like there was a part of me in my whole life where I knew that I wanted to be a very available mom.

Speaker 1: 28:39

Now I don't know how to say this without not being offensive, but like I grew up in a family where I had a single mom and I okay, preface this I absolutely love my childhood, I love my mom, I loved everything. But I grew up in a family where and I'm so grateful for my mom and so I grew up in a family where I had a single mom who worked and I was in before and after school program. I was at a school like I'd get dropped off like first thing in the morning at like 7am and then I was picked up like last thing at 6pm and I think that's why I love working before and after school because, like when I work in childcare is I just like know that life and like I get the kids and like I just love it. So, anyways, but my point being is that like I was very much like you wake up, you go in, the day starts, go, go, go, go go, and then when the end of the day comes, what's going to do? We're going to throw something on the table. I come when I come home from school, like at the time when I was not in before and after school, if I had welcome from school, make my own snack, whatever, which was fine.

Speaker 1: 29:44

I did not like that. I loved it. I actually loved a lot of. There was definitely benefits, freedom and flexibility. I loved that. I became very independent, all that stuff. I love that. But there were definitely, there was definitely a part of me that was like, oh, it would be nice to see what life would be like with I'm not trying to say more hands on mom. That's the thing. My mom was amazing, like literally she did everything, and I think she also set the standard really high for me because she did everything. She was an amazing mom. She worked, she had a great friendship circle, she did things for herself, she did things for her family like she had. She was a superwoman, and so, anyways, when I became a mom, it felt really good to be a mom, like I felt like, oh my gosh, I'm finally doing the thing. That feels so good, it feels less stressful, it feels like I'm I'm living up to a potential that I have been looking for, like I love this, I feel like I it's so effortless and natural for me.

Speaker 1: 30:48

So then, when I was going into finding out what my next career was going to be, I found that really difficult. And then I was like, okay, I think I just want to work part time, because it was hard for me to find a job. It's really hard to find a job that works with your kids child care and then without having to like do extended care or maybe find like a nanny or something for the in between, I don't know. Like there was just a lot of stuff, it was really. I found that it was really mathematical to try and find a job. So then it was like, okay, maybe a part time job would be better, but then finding a part time job with the hours that works so we only have one car. And then it's like, who's going to drop off a row If I need the car to go to work? But then I'm at work before this time or whatever it was. It's really hard. And then it's like, okay, well, how much money do we need to make it all work? And then it's all of it was very, very like stressful. So then I ended up getting a full time job, which was what I didn't. I said I didn't want a full time job, but then this job was going to be amazing, whatever I was so excited for. So then I ended up getting full time job that I started.

Speaker 1: 31:47

It was not what I expected, but then also, without it being what it expected, it also was really hard. I only saw row like half an hour a day. I felt like I was missing out on everything. I went from seeing her literally all the time for two years to only seeing her for like half an hour in the morning, half an hour before bed, whatever. And then it was like, hey, this isn't working, like I don't like this. This isn't the life I envisioned, this isn't I like being a mom, I want to be a mom.

Speaker 1: 32:14

So then it was like, okay, how can I make whatever we need to make to make ends meet and live a life that we want to live but then also be a available partner for my family? Because, like, I also was like not, I was just absent in every place. I wasn't be, I wasn't showing up for myself, I wasn't showing up for my kid, I wasn't showing up for Trevor, like I just was not. I was not being who I wanted to be and I was not living a life I wanted to live and I was working a job that made me miserable. So, yeah, there was really no winning there. So then, when we decide it, hey, we need to make this, make a change.

Speaker 1: 32:54

And I decided I'm going to step back, I'm going to focus on the podcast and going to give myself six months to try and build some sort of flexible income and job from social media, podcasting, all of that, and see what happens. Amazing, I was a super intentional about it and things took off and I was able to achieve that goal, which I am so unbelievably grateful for. Like that was a true dream come true and I am so, so grateful for that. And I'm now able to have a schedule that I create for myself, that I can create flexibility and and be there for all the people in my life that I want to be there for and do the things that I have always dreamt of doing, and create a life that I've always dreamt of having. That helps to heal the inner child and do the things that I wanted, and now I'm able to create them and be part of them. And, yeah, that's amazing. But in that I got confused, I got lost, I got distracted, I got.

Speaker 1: 33:58

Then there's a difference when you go from working for other people for working for yourself. So when you work for yourself, it's like now I'm in charge of my schedule. I need to figure out. I'm kind of available 24 seven if I'm working for myself and then, especially with social media, it's like you could be posting all the time, interacting da, da, da, da, da, da da. You could be up editing forever and ever and ever. There's always things you can be doing. You could be contacting this brand, you could be working with these people. You could, you can. Literally the world is yours, the oyster. You can do as much as you want, you can reach for the stars and you can just like keep adding more to your plate. There's no limit. The limit is limitless.

Speaker 1: 34:35

So that's where I got confused, because once it started growing and I felt like, oh, there's so much I can be doing, like I kind of put on pause the life I wanted to live. Like that. I was grateful for that. I was. I was like, oh my gosh, like I can be a stay at home mom and I can bring income to the family so that we can do cool things and fix to what is it called? Taps and things like one of the things we just did. But like it's, like that's amazing. That is what I want it. I want it to be of the hands on mom who made after school snack and got to have breakfast every morning with her family, like that. That that's the dream, that's what I want it. And then I got distracted and I was like, okay, there's so much opportunity out there I need to put. I need to put on hold my family dreams and focus on my career dreams like, oh my gosh, like career oriented. And then it's like wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Speaker 1: 35:37

Then I got like six months a year into that and got just got confused because it's like this isn't what I wanted. I'm literally working harder than I've ever worked in my life and I am like never turning off. I'm giving all of my all to everyone in the world except for my family, and this isn't what I want. No, stop, this isn't what I want. I don't want to reach the, the, the money stars and the, the world's hearts if I can't be and live the life that I've always wanted, which is to be with my family, to, to, to sit with them and to, to look at them and to experience them and to just like live a simple, lovely life that I've always wanted.

Speaker 1: 36:27

I know I didn't think I was going to cry in this episode, but it's like that is what I want. I want the simplicity of appreciating the sun shining in the shower at a certain time of the day. I want the enjoyment of sipping a slow cup of tea in the morning in the living room with my my husband and my daughter and my dog on my lap, and breathing in that. That moment of peace. That is what I want, and so I stepped back, I stopped putting so much pressure myself to have to post so much and to have to participate in this hustle culture that everyone can participate in, that is so big in this world that we live in, but especially on social media, because it's like, it's so funny because, like, honestly, those stats don't even matter, like views, like stuff like that a lot of the time, don't don't even matter when it comes to like brand deals and partnerships, which is the only way that I make money as a Canadian content creator.

Speaker 1: 37:35

We don't make money except for on YouTube. You do make some creator funds or whatever it's called, I don't even know but like on Instagram and tick tock, like you don't make money for views, so every video you post is just for fun, z's and building community and building engagement, which then, in return, that brands will see and get to know you and then if you have an engagement they're looking for in a community, then they'll reach out to you or you reach out to them or whatever it all works out. But that's how you make money as a Canadian content creator. So, anyways, so I was putting that out there as a side, but like I just took a step back and was like I can't be throwing myself in every direction and not be literally living the life that I want to be living. And so I refocused, reset, turned in.

Speaker 1: 38:27

It took time, it took time, it took a lot of time to break that feeling for being not enough. And I get caught in it still sometimes and I think I always will. But I now know how to kind of pull myself out of it and I put in place like things to help me to not get, to not put myself in that situation, but like it's really easy to not feel enough in life in general. And then on social media, you I don't know, when you feel like you're not getting as much as another person, like the comparison game or then feeling what's the other one? When you imposter syndrome, like all of this stuff, it's just so easy to get caught up in it.

Speaker 1: 39:11

And so I just like I didn't stop posting altogether, but I like just took a break and now I take way more breaks when I or I take breaks when I want to, like I don't feel the need to have to post every day, definitely not every day. And I don't feel the need to have to post if I would normally post, then because I do think, like when I show up, I want to show up the way that I want to show up, and I now really try to understand that. Like a lot of the time, comment sections are not for me, they're for the people, especially when the comments are like something, something her, like they're talking about me, but not too meek, and then it's like, okay, I don't need to read these comments, they're not for me, they're for other people, and it's not a, it's not part, I'm not part of the conversation. Blah, blah, blah, blah.

Speaker 1: 39:57

Anyways, I just like realized, like what is it that I want? Like I want to be sitting with the ones I love and have that flexibility to be able to show up and help them and be where I need to be when I need to be, but also to have the flexibility to join a dance class. If I want to join a dance class, hint, I may be joining a dance class this year, but like I want to have flexibility to do things for me, to do things for my family and to bring income to help supplement in ways that we need income. So, like I just I was I want to create a perfect situation for me, but I don't want to reach for the stars in the sense that I want to work any harder than I did at a standard nine to five, but I never actually worked a standard. Well, I guess I worked a nine to five shortly, but like when I worked before after school you, anyways, you understand what I mean but like when I worked in a nine to five versus working for myself, like what is it that I'm looking for? And I now have so much clarity about that.

Speaker 1: 41:05

So, going into this year, I am so focused and I am so appreciative. In any moment where I feel like I'm not enough, I think who's saying I'm not enough? What am I not enough for? And it's like I am enough. I am more than enough. I have created a life that I want and I am living in it and I am appreciative and I'm so grateful to be here. So like there's nothing that is not enough. And who I? The opinions of others and the perceptions do not matter to me. Your other people's opinions are their own, they're their own, they're none of my business. None of my business. So, anyways, this week I learned and I have started to implement and that gratitude for the life that I want and for the clarity I gained last year and have brought it into this year as my focus, and I am so grateful for that, and I am just feeling so empowered by that.

Speaker 1: 42:07

And every day I wake up to slowness, and I appreciate that because I feel like I lived a life of speed for a long time, of always feeling like I need to do more, be more, see more, and now it's like I just wanna be still and I just wanna live so authentically in the moment. Why am I crying again as possible? I have no problem with crying. It's just like, wow, I'm clearly talking truth right now, but I just wanna live so in the moment that the world feels slow, and that's how I feel right now and I'm so grateful for that. And so let me take a sip.

Speaker 1: 43:01

And so, on that note, I am so grateful for all of you who support me through this and show up weekly and comment and like and share my stuff, because it really does mean so much to me. And also like I'm just so grateful for you when every time I run into a cutie on the street or in my DMs, I am just like, oh, these are my people. We vibe, we mesh, we get each other. It feels so effortless and I am so grateful for that. That's another thing that I have focused on. It's like when I post online people who don't like my stuff, whatever, but the people who get it get it and I am so grateful for that community and like followers come and go and it's like the ones who stick around and get it Like they are the best, you are the best, and those are the only people I want in my life Like get the negativity out of here Bye-bye. So, anyways, this week I learned that I'm slow, I'm still and I love living this little life of mine. I hear that's a scrinch song. Now. There's like a trend on TikTok that little lava man where everyone like puts like pictures to it and like at first it was so cute and now everyone like hates it. I don't really get it on my feed. I don't really scroll that much on TikTok anymore, but that's a story for another day. But anyways, let's get into our roses, buds and thorns. Okay, my rose is quiet.

Speaker 1: 44:35

Early evenings with the family. I feel like I put focus on this at the end of last year that I just like really love the slowdown. Like as soon as that. I normally rogue it's home from school around four, like that's when we really get in for the evening, like we're in the house, we're in for the evening. That's really been my favorite time, and like even more so now, especially that she's back at school. Who's only had one one night, two nights of that. But I just love those quiet early evenings with the family. Like I guess when we were home for Christmas break she was taking her naps and then waking up around like 233 and then we'd have like snack time, play time, and then we'd really get quiet and chill and just everyone kind of Play and hang out and read books and make dinner and cook together.

Speaker 1: 45:20

Oh I love it, I just love it. I love it. You turn all the lamps, get the mood light in and it's just so cozy. We're actually saying goodbye to our Christmas tree this week because that's our pickup is on Friday for Christmas trees and I keep thinking it's every week. Every Friday I'm like, oh my gosh, is it the Christmas tree pickup? And then Trevor's like no, it's, it's like on the 11th or the 12th or the 13th or whatever, but it's in January. So this is the, this is the week that it's happening, and it's so funny because for a while I was like, oh, get this thing out of here. It's it's cluttering up my space. But now I'm like I'm gonna miss the ambiance of it. But we have put in a lot of fun smart bulbs that like change all these different colors recently and it's so fun, I love it. You can set the mood to like all these different lights. It's so fun.

Speaker 1: 46:06

Anyway, so quiet, early evenings with the family or my bud, for sure, like I get so excited for it, like I really do. So I try to get everything I need to get done, work wise this is another part of me, like focusing and not over expend, not over extending myself Workwise, and it's like I want to get all my work done before I pick up row and then I go into full mom mode and family mode and it feels so, so, so good. I just love it, love, love it so much. Okay, my thorn is my lower back was just aching so much. It's actually okay now. I stretched this morning but like I think it's also I'm on my period, so that probably has to do with it. But my lower back ever since I've had row, my lower back has just been it's my number one place to just ache. If I'm ever Standing for too long or doing dishes at the sink, or even just like in the middle of the night, it's like it just starts aching and it's like, oh, but Trevor did get me one of those beanbaggy things that you heat up. So I heat that up before bed and put it on and then in the morning I try to stretch it, do some cat cows, and that does help, but it's just like making me and then my bud I kind of hinted to this earlier is that I am taking up adult ballet class this winter and I'm so excited so that starts next week.

Speaker 1: 47:23

I actually went and got all my little ballet uniform, which was so fun. I was really intimidated to go do that because I don't know. I feel like I don't know much about dance. I took ballet when I was really, really little, so I would have had no part of like the Knowing, the what was going on or how people's opinions were or whatever. But like I feel like now I seen like dance mums before, or whatever. I just I don't. I didn't know what it was gonna be like, but it was so nice, the woman who worked there was so nice and she got me my little slipper set out and she helped me pick out an outfit and she was getting me all hyped for taking it and I was so excited. So, yeah, um, I it's pushing me really out of my comfort zone. I used to do bar Back when we lived in Toronto and I loved bar and Pilates and stuff. So I know bar has a lot of similarities to, obviously, the bar portion of ballet and so doing plies and all that stuff. So I have a little bit of that to feel comfortable about. But other than that, I'm really pushing myself out of my comfort zone but I'm really excited. So, yeah, I'm really looking forward to picking up a new hobby and trying something different and for me so that's really really exciting.

Speaker 1: 48:35

Okay, entertainment, entertainment, rika. Entertainment, rika. Okay, so I went and saw that. See a Sweeney Sweeney. What's the Sydney Sweeney movie in theaters? What is it called? Sydney Sweeney? It was. It was the new rom-com. This is my issue, as I never know the name of anything. Oh, anyone, but you, okay. So I had seen a.

Speaker 1: 48:59

We went and saw. What did we go and see? Oh, we went and saw not the, the new Totoro movie. It wasn't Totoro, but it's by the same person. Something hair in, oh, something hair in hair, in the boy in the hair. And so we went to saw the boy in the hair in with row and it was good. It was a very interesting movie, like I liked it at the. It was long, it did feel long but I did like it row. She like kind of got bored halfway through but she still enjoyed and watched it. We didn't have to leave her anything but she was definitely like happy to be moving around and like the little seats and stuff. So but I did enjoy it. But anyway we went to go see that.

Speaker 1: 49:41

I saw a poster for the anyone but you and I saw the poster and I was like, oh, that maybe. I was like, is it a romance? I couldn't tell and then I didn't know if it was a rom-com. And then I got a tick talk that said, hey, this is why I'm looking forward to the anyone but you, or this is why I feel like it'll be promising as a rom-com. And then they kind of went into why and I was like, oh, okay, I do love a rom-com. And I was like, okay, maybe I'll go see that. So I did go see it as like a solo movie, which you know I love. Gotta bring back my Friday solo movie dates. That's my favorite. So I did go see it and it was. It was so cute I don't think you have to see it in theater like it's definitely like cheesy but very cute and it was an enjoyable morning. Like I'm happy I did watch it. So that was a good one and I'm really looking forward to being girls, the musical coming out.

Speaker 1: 50:29

I think that comes out next week. I'm so excited. I want to see that. Maybe it comes out this week on Friday, I don't even know, but anyways, I'm so excited that could be my Friday movie this week. Let's see mean girls. Here we go. It comes out January 12,. Okay, mean girls, let me go check my theater to see if it's gonna be there. I'm like, what theater do I go to? Cute, we're bringing back the Friday movies. Yay, okay, here we go. Here we go. Here we go. What is today? Today's the ninth, it doesn't say what day. Oh, yeah, it is gonna be there. Okay, maybe we're gonna go see you that on Friday. That'll be so fun. I'm so excited. I think my mom wanted to see it, so I have to see if she's available Friday morning, hopefully.

Speaker 1: 51:19

We also went and saw migration, which was so cute. I did really like migration and we did see trolls. I can't remember if that was before the break or not, but we did see trolls as well. We've seen all the kids movies. I just love trolls. We've had the trolls soundtrack on like repeat and I Haven't seen Wonka yet. I do want to see Wonka. Trevor wants to see Wonka but we didn't. I couldn't tell Rowan it to see it or not. She's never usually like a live action. She really likes cartoons, so I wasn't sure. But I'm gonna ask her again to see if she wants to see it or not. But I hear really good things about it, so I'm excited for Wonka. I don't know if we'll see it in theater or wait until after, but I could add it to my Friday rotation, depending. I feel like sometimes these movies like go through the theater so quickly I don't have the opportunity to see them.

Speaker 1: 52:06

As for shows, I am watching Young Sheldon, which is just such a cute, comforting show, and I'm watching the other one on Netflix called Life with kids. Always ruin kids, ruin life, kids, what's it called? Children ruin everything. Kids ruin everything. Kids ruin Everything. Yeah, oh no, children ruin everything. So it's actually a Toronto Bay CTV show. It's kind of like Moms, but like different, like. It's not like moms, but it's kind of like moms because it's a Toronto Bay show and it's about kids and like Realisticness of them and I actually love it.

Speaker 1: 52:46

The episodes are really short. They're like 20 minutes long. It's three seasons. You go through it super quick. But it's a nice show to throw on if you want to like eat, eat lunch with a meal, eat lunch with meal, eat lunch with the show or just have a chill for a couple episodes. You know, just like chill out, but not like commit it, commit it. But it's so cute and I think it's really good.

Speaker 1: 53:06

I think it's a really good representation of like parenthood and why sometimes it's just like the wildest, like most unenjoyable thing, but at the end of the day you love it so much and like you would miss it if you didn't have it, so like I really love it. I think it's a really good one. So it's called children ruin everything and that one's on Netflix. And then I'm trying to think what else there was that Victoria one, white Victoria, white queen, white princess? I don't remember. Obviously I'm not watching it very well. Becca's back to school, so we're back to watching righteous gemstones. We're on the newest season and this most recent episode. Like we're behind the times, but this most recent episode was so wild, so righteous gemstones is such a good one.

Speaker 1: 53:49

If you're looking for a good HBO comedy and I'm trying to think of what else I watched Below deck is back this week. I'm gonna catch up on that episode. And then I think winter house should start soon, which I'm so excited. I don't know when it starts, but I know it's in 2024, but I love or not winter house, summer house Sorry, I finished winter house, but yeah, that's it. That's pretty much all I'm watching. Oh, and I did see there was a new Ginny in Georgia, but I'm not sure when that's from. I think I only watched one season, so that's another Netflix one that I need to watch is Ginny in Georgia, but I'm gonna finish this children room and everything first and then I'll watch that.

Speaker 1: 54:21

And then for new music honestly, they don't think there's any new music I'm listening to besides the troll troll's album, which we've listened to on repeat and we did go through a crazy frog phase, but road usually has like a three week phase and then we move on. So we our most recent phase has been veggie tails, then crazy frog and now we're on to trolls. So I'm excited to see what's next. But that's pretty much it. And I've been listening to burner phone the podcast with Hannah burner and her husband, and I'm loving it. Like it's such a comfort, such a comfort podcast. I listened to like all the old episodes I mean that they only started it last year but they just like changed Hannah's podcast into it. But over the break I would like did unplayed and like listen to all of them. I just love their relationship and the way that they communicate and they're both comedians and I love when they like Create jokes and like on the spot and like they both like hype each other up. It's really sweet. So burner phone podcast if you're looking for a podcast, and yeah, so that's where we're at.

Speaker 1: 55:23

Cuties. Welcome back to season four of five years time podcast. I'm your host, grace, I'm so grateful that you are here and I can't wait to see you here, and I can't wait for what the year ahead of us has and I'm looking forward to seeing if it's still snowing out, sending you love and light for the week ahead. Mwah, mwah Mwah. See you on Instagram and tiktok and for my weekly vlog over on YouTube at five years time podcast. Love you, cute you.