The Youthful Spirit Within

Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey everyone, you're listening to 5 Years Time with your host, grace Black. Hey, cuties, welcome back to 5 Years Time podcast with your host, grace. I am so excited to have you back and I am so excited for this episode because we actually are basing off what I learned this week from a viewer question. One of the cuties asked me an amazing question in my DMs and I just could not resist making a whole podcast about it. So we're talking today and I think that's so fun.

Speaker 1: 0:42

Anyways, before we jump in, I just want to preface this by saying that I have literally had the most magical, wonderful morning of my life. I am just like beaming with glee because of it. So let me start you off with a little description of how my morning is gone. I basically woke up again. As you know if you listened to last week's episode, I don't have any time teller in my room, so I woke up not knowing what time it is, and it's actually been so lovely. Thankfully, it's that time of year where the sun really does determine what time it is. As soon as it's a little bit bright out, I know it's about 7.30ish, so anytime before that, if it's dark, I'm like I'm good. I'm good to be awake and I haven't been waking up in the night. So I trust myself, I trust my instincts. When I wake up and I'm not feeling, and I feel awake, I'm like okay, it's at least after 5. And I think that was. I think that is roughly the time it was. It was about probably 5.30, 5.15 maybe, I don't know. Anyways, I picked up my book and I began reading and it I'm in. I was near the end of the book. You know when you're in that last quarter and it's like so good, or the last third, and you're like, oh my gosh, I never want to put this book down. Like that was the feels last night when I was reading it. I was like I bet you I could stay up late and finish this, but I fell asleep on a page, which I'm so happy about, because I don't want to stay up late. I want to wake up in the morning early and enjoy my book.

Speaker 1: 2:06

Anyways, I was reading my book and then row came in at some point and she was like let's cuddle up in bed and have a slow morning. I was like, girl, we're on the same page. So she had a show, I had my book, I made us some breakfast in bed and we just hung out and I totally had forgot that Trevor was going to take a road to school today. So all of a sudden, row was talking about like school and whatever. And I was like, oh yeah, dad's taking you to school. And she's like, oh yeah, like I can't wait. And I was like, oh my gosh, like I don't have to get up, get dressed. This is a magical moment for me. I think I can finish my book this morning. And so I just got row dressed and we already had our breakfast and we I read my book, and then Trevor took her to school and I just stayed in bed. The snow was showering down, the sun had already come up. It's not necessarily a sunny day, but it's still vibrant and bright because it is very snowy and I enjoyed reading my book and I finished my book in bed and my pajamas cozied up and then I was all I had to do was record the podcast, and I have a meeting this afternoon, so I was like I have time constraints.

Speaker 1: 3:13

So I was like I have time and so I really had that leisurely morning. I finished my book. It was so good, I can't wait to talk about an entertainment recap. And then I was like I'm gonna. I haven't had my coffee yet and we got chocolate croissants yesterday for dessert and so I was like, oh, I think there's an extra chocolate croissant. I know exactly what I'm going to do. I'm going to make a coffee, have my croissant and have a really leisurely podcast planning morning where I have to do all the podcast prep, which is basically writing a rough outline and transferring a bunch of clips so I have space on my memory card and making sure that my computer set up all that stuff. So I had a leisurely moment doing that.

Speaker 1: 3:51

Once everything was in place, I took a nice shower and listen to the birds chirp. I always crack the window a bit. I love winter showers with the window cracked. It's even better when the cold air blows in. I know that sounds weird, but like I love that. And then had already laid on my outfit, got dressed and I hopped into the studio.

Speaker 1: 4:10

Here I am, but it was such a wonderful morning and now it's like the middle of the day and I'm like who am I? I am such a morning person that it is so unlike me to even just lay in bed in the morning, like I usually get up and start getting stuff done and, especially on a school day, I always am having to get up, get dressed and then get road dressed and get the backpacks packed and everything get out of the door. So I just like had the most dreamy, wonderful, relaxing morning and I just feel so good for it and I was like, wow, this is the best thing ever and it felt like such a treat. So I just want to share that with you. But here we are.

Speaker 1: 4:49

So let's get into my weekly recap. This past week we had lots of mom and row time. It was a PA day on Friday and then row wasn't feeling well yesterday. So Friday I felt I was happy to have her both days home, of course, but like Friday I didn't know it was PA day and so I had kind of planned my Friday for editing and then all of a sudden I was like, oh wait, we're home from school and I have so much stuff I need to get done and editing is something I cannot do.

Speaker 1: 5:16

Like multitasking, moming and editing, I really need to like focus and also I'm like super distractible when it comes to editing. If I'm like not into the piece, especially like take talks, I feel like I can really sit down and get them done, because it's like you film one, one chunk of time in your day or whatever. But the vlog I find like sometimes it's it's like a big undertaking when you're doing multiple days and then you like lose concentration halfway through and, like I always, once I'm done, I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm so happy I did that. But like, if I'm like not in the right headspace, it's hard for me to get in that headspace. So, anyways, it was the vlog I was needing to edit for Sunday and I was like, okay, well, I guess we'll just do a little bit in the morning and then maybe when row goes to sleep. And then I didn't even get to it when row went to sleep, but anyways, basically me and row had a wonderful Friday and we got ready for her birthday. Finally, like I've been putting this off not putting it off but like I felt like I maybe left it too late.

Speaker 1: 6:17

Row really wants to have a birthday party, party like with her friends. This is her first ever birthday party with friends. She really wants one this year and I felt like I left it too late to like invite people. I was like, oh my gosh, you're supposed to probably give them at least a month notice, whatever. And then I was like, whatever, we just need to get people invited and we're not even having that big of a party, just a coin's, a little one at home. But I was like, let's just get the invitations out.

Speaker 1: 6:41

So Friday we went to the dollar store and we picked up everything to make invitations and we also picked up some decorations. We're so excited and we just got everything organized for the party in that sense, and Trevor actually spent this weekend making decorations or invitations with her, which is amazing, because I needed to edit the vlog, as I kind of foreshadowed there that I didn't have time to do on Friday. But invitations have officially been handed out. They were handed out today. We're in the safe zone. Hopefully people can come.

Speaker 1: 7:12

We're doing it on a weeknight. So I feel like it's like less, less, I don't know like. I feel like sometimes weekends are hard to. You really need to give advance notice for weekends, but hopefully weeknights can be chill and it's kind of like an after school situation. So hopefully it's chill, chill, chill. We'll find out, but anyways, yeah, so that was great.

Speaker 1: 7:32

We spent Friday doing all of that stuff and then in the afternoon I feel like we did something with my mom, but I can't remember. Oh yeah, my mom needed to run an errand, so we actually went to the mall and then we picked up Swiss chalet for dinner, which I love a Swiss chalet dinner and we haven't had it in a while, so that was delicious. And then Saturday I was feeling so off and I was like, oh man, this is so strange. It's actually like right after my period Normally.

Speaker 1: 7:56

Normally the time I feel off is like before my period, on my period, but I was feeling so often I was like what is this? And I was just like in my head all day Trevor was being dad of the day and going out and playing in the snow and doing everything with row because I really needed to edit, but then I wasn't in the right mind space and so I was having a really hard time editing and I was just feeling. So often it was the type of off that I normally feel around my like menstruation, where I'm like I just want to disconnect from the world, like why do I share my life? What's the point? Even before I had like social media following or like was doing this as a career. I felt that. So, even just like with my private account, it was like, oh, cringe, not even cringe, but just like, oh, I don't want to do this anymore.

Speaker 1: 8:37

But anyways, I was like feeling so off and I was like slowly editing but like being really distracted while doing it and doing a lot of scrolling, which was just making me feel even worse. And then eventually, trevor and Ro went out to go to bargaining in the evening and as it got darker, I was like I just need to like get out of my mind. So I hopped on a TikTok live, which I have not done alive in so long, and I was like let's just hang out together and this will get my head out of my head. And it was actually the best thing I could have done. It was like an hour of just chatting with the cuties. I felt so happy to be there and I was just like so glad to like get out of my head. And honestly, that changed, changed the whole day around, like I had a great evening with the fam.

Speaker 1: 9:21

And then I woke up Sunday feeling so much better and I actually said Trevor is doing these polar dips on Sundays and he, he always is like, oh, I want Ro and you to come one time, but like it's always been so violently windy. But I had said on Sunday night when I was putting, or Saturday night when I was putting Ro to bed, like do you want to go to see dad's polar dip tomorrow? And she was like yeah. And I was like Okay, like should we do? Should I wake you up? Like are we going for sure, should we just see how we feel in the morning? She's like see how we feel in the morning. I was like Okay, so, because they are a little bit earlier in the morning.

Speaker 1: 9:49

But I woke up the next morning and I was like you know what? I got to get out of the house. Because I didn't get out of the house on Saturday, I was like I got to get out of the house. I think this would be a great way to start my morning with a family event, like let's just get out and then I'm going to keep the good vibes going. And it was exactly what I needed. I also then felt so much better I'm finishing up my video on Rose nap that day and getting it posted. So everything just felt so much clearer and better and I was in a much better state, which I'm so happy about, because there used to be a time where when I got in those moods they would last for like almost a week, but I was able to get over it, like be in it, feel it and get over it within like 24 hours. And that was amazing and I'm so, I'm so great for glad for that growth Too many G words, but anyway.

Speaker 1: 10:37

So Sunday we actually went down for Trevor's polar dip, which like oh my gosh, these people are warriors, like they were. Trevor probably spent four minutes in what four minutes? And he just started going. So I'm, I think he wants to build up his time. But there were people who were just like socializing in there, probably in there for like 10 minutes, and I was like this is wild, I could not like I have, I have no yearning inside of me. Maybe one day, but right now I do, definitely do not. And then I had my ballet, oh, and then, okay.

Speaker 1: 11:07

So yesterday, monday Well, it's Wednesday for you, but yesterday row woke up, actually Sunday night. She was like feeling a little bit hot and I was like, oh, I wonder if she's coming down with a fever. And she didn't really want to eat too much dinner, where normally she like. Even if she doesn't want to eat dinner because she's been snacking a lot, she'll usually want like a snack right before bed. But she didn't even want that. So I was like I wonder if she's getting sick. And then she woke up on Monday definitely not with a fever fever like with just a low grade fever, you know, when the thermometer is in the yellow, not the red, and I was like best we just keep her home from school, because nothing worse than like exhausting your kid or yourself, your body, when you're already about to be sick. I feel like that makes the sick longer. So I just kept her home. I was like no worries, like I rather have.

Speaker 1: 11:51

I think it'll be nice to start my week with a slow week. After feeling so like I don't know, just like rushed in, like editing and stuff like that. I was like I want to have a slow week, I need to do laundry. It'll be nice to spend time with row. And that was literally the most perfect time, perfect start to my week. I did my laundry, me and row were so chill. All I had commitment that I really had to do was go to my ballet class, which worked out fine because it was on her nap and then Trevor would be able to obviously have her because he works from home If she had woken up, which he did. But it all worked out. But I went to ballet, which was great, and then I quickly picked up groceries, because we needed groceries badly after ballet. And ballet was amazing.

Speaker 1: 12:31

This is my second week. I felt so much more confident I going into it. I didn't like I was like oh my gosh, like I don't remember much, but when we were doing the moves, like I actually did kind of remember and like I definitely needed direction, of course, but like it's like oh, wow, like I'm remembering and I can feel like once my legs start getting stronger, it's going to become easier, especially to keep my legs straight. Like that's the hardest thing is remembering to be straight and have your support, like straight and all this stuff. But it has been so lovely and I felt really really good in that class and the snow was coming down in the window and we were doing pirouettes and it just felt so nice and beautiful and it was just lovely. And then, yeah, picked up the groceries, we had a nice family dinner and that's that. That's the weekly recap. It was just a nice week, filled with highs and lows, as they always are.

Speaker 1: 13:18

So let's get into our snack and drink of the week. Okay, cute, my snack and drink of the week. Again, I come bearing water Because water is just easiest, especially in the winter, when I'm sitting in this room my mouth gets so or my throat can get so dry, and then all of a sudden it's like I'm in a coughing fit. But my drink of the week is actually a type of water. It is just mint water. I we bought this huge pack of mint, like mint leaves, because Trevor was making I think we had leftover Greek food and then we were going to make some more Greek food. So Trevor was like, oh, I'm going to make Ziki. So he bought mint, but they only had in this huge pack. So I've just been like ripping it off and putting in my water mint ice water actually, specifically and it is so delicious.

Speaker 1: 14:08

Every morning, after I come home from row, dropping row off, I just take a hunk of mint and pop it in my thing, in my cup, and put some ice and then let it sit and I'll just fill it up throughout the day and it is so refreshing. It reminds me one time we went to Costa Rica and the gym had this water. That was like a mint water, but it was something specific in it I can't think of what it was called. Anyways, trevor would go to the gym and then bring me home or bring me back to the room my water bottle filled with that water because I loved it so much. And this is like reminds me just of it. It's just so refreshing and brightening. It's very like awakening, I feel like. It just like makes me feel alive, which is always something I look for in those winter months. So it's been really lovely just some mint water.

Speaker 1: 14:50

I also planted a mint plant in my Zen zone, which I had bought a pot for my Zen zone, wanting to plant mint specifically in it, because I love mint tea and I love fresh mint tea, and I thought, oh, that would be perfect down there because I have the kettle and then I can just rip off some leaves and make my mint tea in the morning. And so I planted that last week. So I'm even more excited because, hopefully, I care for it well. I actually need to look up the right way to harvest mint so that it like continues to grow back. Well, I really don't think you have to try that hard with mint. For my understanding it's something that like takes over like a weed. But we'll see. I'm excited. I haven't picked from it yet, I probably need to soon but I did water and plant it. I planted in a new pot and watered it, so that's good. But yeah, so that's my drink of the week and then my snack.

Speaker 1: 15:36

Cute, I'm friggin obsessed with true fruit and it's like kind of annoying because it's so expensive like it's almost $10 a bag, but it's so good. I've tried three of them so far. I've tried the raspberry one, the strawberry one and the pineapple one. And definitely I don't think the strawberry one or the pineapple one are worth it for me to purchase them. Like the pineapple one I definitely could make myself. I was actually telling Trevor, the pineapple one is just pineapple chunks coated in coconut shreds and white chocolate and it's delicious, tastes like a pina colada. But I was saying to Trevor I was like, ooh, this could be so fun to make for like a party where you soak the pineapple chunks in rum and then coat it and freeze it like ooh, doesn't that sound delicious?

Speaker 1: 16:20

So anyways, then the strawberry ones, which you definitely could make yourself easily enough, except for they do do a double coat. They do like a white chocolate and then a milk chocolate. So there'd be a double freezing phase, like you'd have to freeze the strawberries, dip the strawberries, freeze, dip. But anyways, they're okay, like they're fine. They taste like a strawberry covered or chocolate covered strawberry and they're actually cut into wedges so you get like way less actual fruit in the bag, like pieces, where the raspberry ones are my favorite and they are the most like intense, not intense, but like they would take time to make because you would have to do the dip. You'd have to freeze the raspberries, then dip them in the white chocolate, freeze it, then dip it in the dark chocolate, freeze it all on a tray, all laid out, and it would just take time and it would probably come up to the same cost, depending how cheap you get your raspberries, but usually raspberries are like three, four bucks a container and then you'd have to get a dark chocolate bar, you'd have to get a white chocolate bar and then do all those steps.

Speaker 1: 17:20

So I do believe those ones are worth it and also I just love the way that the raspberry just like snaps in half when you bite it. It's so good, it's so good. So I that's where I am at the true fruit. I'm obsessed. I feel like I always need a bag of the raspberry ones. I do want to try making them, just for fun. I just want to try making them fun. So, yeah, I, I'm excited for that. Also. I'm sorry, cuties to the YouTube. I feel like I've been looking at my computer more than you, just because I'm getting used to the new camera, but also I've been monitoring my sound. So I'm sorry, but I'm coming back to look at you. I also think I need to get another light for over here I'm still trying to perfect the new Studio camera setup. But I'm with you, don't worry, I'll be there. I'm trying to. I'm trying to get as good as I can for you. But yeah, so I just have been loving true fruit like it is, so delicious. Also, row lifts, the raspberry ones too. There's robbery ones. You have to let sit for a while because they're really cold on your teeth, but I feel like the raspberry ones you can just nibble up. Okay, I guess that means it's time to get into.

Speaker 1: 18:22

This week I learned, which I am so excited for. This week I learned. So cute, let's get in to this week I learned. This week I learned. So I actually had my question submitted, which I think is so fun, and I feel like it's something that's super Popularly being discussed is that even how to say that? I feel like it's being discussed a lot on social media and so it's been at the forefront of my brain. So when the question was asked, I was like, oh, this is an interesting topic. I'd love to share my opinion. Well, I don't know if I'd love to share it, but I think it would be fun to To. I don't know mean I wouldn't love to share it. I'm I'm just saying that in a way that I don't feel like I have an opinion that I've been holding, thinking like, oh, I'm right and I need to everyone to know more that I just think it'd be fun to discuss it openly. So Let me get to the question. So this cutie said I have a question for you.

Speaker 1: 19:21

As I've gotten older, I feel like a long. Sorry, I'm not the best reader in the sense. Okay, I have a question for you. As I've gotten older, I feel like I long to look and feel like I once was in my early seasons of life. How do you accept change and find comfort in the now? I thought that was such a beautiful question and I feel like it's something that we probably all feel and reflect on at some point in our life, multiple times during our life, and I quickly just like wrote down a few times where I've felt this prominent feeling and Then I want to expand on it.

Speaker 1: 19:57

So what I feel like has been said on social media lately is a lot about I feel like I've heard a lot of conversation about Botox and Youthfulness and skincare and all of that, and also I just want to preface this in every episode, I am never sharing because I'm never sharing to shame and I'm never sharing in a way where I'm right, you're wrong. I'm honestly just openly speaking from my heart, and we all come from a different walk and a different opinion and like nothing you do, I am, I have, I Do. I do not feel like I am less or you are less because of one thing that we do or do not do. I feel like we all are on our own journeys, doing our own thing. So I just want to put that out there Because I know that I, from what I understand in these conversations regarding like Botox and skincare and stuff like that. I feel like skincare routine specifically ahead, and how now kids are starting younger on, feeling like they need to protect their skin and never age and this like this, like separation between Aging I don't know if aging gracefully is the right thing, but like accepting, yeah, aging, aging with acceptance and honor and being present in the now, as this question said as opposed to feeling like you need to alter yourself or fear change in the way that you look or the way that you feel as you age. And so I've heard I've heard both sides like I. I've.

Speaker 1: 21:27

I have Videos come up on my page where people are getting Botox and they're doing, obviously, their 20-step skin care routine and they're loving every moment of it and they apply SPF like it's the God itself and that it's gonna protect them. I cuties, I'm a redhead. I love SPF. I'm not saying SPF is a bad thing, but like I Feel like I, I see that side of tick tock. They go for Botox like it's going to get a massage and it's a piece of self care and they value it in their life. And then I see the other side of tick tock where people are sharing videos about how we need to. We need to separate Ourselves from money, from an industry which is obviously skincare and anti, anti aging industry, where it's like a billionaire industry, where people are Feeling like they they're feared into, feeling like they need to have all these preventative measures and they they'll throw money at it and they buy it and whatever, but it's insecurities that are being put at us by by an industry. So, like I see both sides and then obviously I also I follow a lot of older women and I follow women who Share a lot about how Youthfulness is, comes within, like you can age and have gray hair and wrinkles and and all this stuff, but like when you feel this young spirit within you, like it does glow, you have this radiance to you, and like it's not that you dull when you get older, but like you can you dull when you feel less alive and present in the now and and you feel shame in aging and being of a certain age or you feel like you can't wear something or do something or act that way, and so I feel like I've seen a good, like a Good array of people's opinions, which is a reason that I love social media is that you can gain a lot of perspective.

Speaker 1: 23:22

So that's where I'm coming from and now let me share my my experience and and how I try and live as present in the now as I get older and aged. As a kid I remember being younger or like reflecting and seeing. I remember seeing other kids, like younger kids, in strollers and I remember feeling a sense of like I miss those days. It was so much easier, like this was me as a child, thinking about this. Back to being like a toddler and thinking like, oh, life was so much easier when you got taken from place to place and you didn't have to. You didn't have to think about, I guess, walking or getting dressed or planning out your day or interacting with people on the playground or any homework, all of this stuff. So as a kid I remember that. I remember that feeling so vividly, seeing younger kids in strollers and being like, ah, the good old days.

Speaker 1: 24:18

And then the next chapter in my life where I feel this so vividly was my first day of college. I remember getting dropped off. My aunt and mom drove me to Ottawa. I was going to a school five hours away from where I lived, which was exactly what I wanted. I kind of made a last minute decision to do that and I just felt this pull to be on my own, like I don't know. I just felt a pull to be on my own and so I went to a school where I didn't know anyone and I got dropped off in my dorm room, helped, moved in, we went and did all this shopping, everything, and I remember my mom and aunt leaving and I think we had like an event at, maybe like a dinner event, so maybe it started at five where you were going to get together with your color team, which was like your floor, and get to know the people and have dinner and do like not initiation, not initiation, what's it called when you like you go for a tour of like the campus and stuff I can't think of what that's called anyways but like, do all that stuff, have the tour, get get accustomed to what the routine is going to be, whatever. So there were many hours. I think I was like dropped off pretty early. My family's always been a first people there, you know type of person, always on time.

Speaker 1: 25:34

So I feel like I had the most amount of hours in my room and so I was a dropped off in an apartment style room. I was living in res, which was apartment style, so I had there are apartments where, like you, walked in, there was a kitchen, there was a bathroom and then two bedrooms. So I had a roommate. And my roommate was actually a second year and so she already knew people and she was actually volunteering that day to like help direct people where they needed to go, and stuff like that. She was also older than me, like 10 years older than me, maybe even older. She was under 30s and that kind of threw me off right away.

Speaker 1: 26:07

And, anyways, I was in my room. There was nobody in the room next to me, like in my. My roommate wasn't home, so I didn't have anyone to talk to. I just like sat there and I remember like crying and then thinking like, wow, like I am an adult and I have to figure out what's next and I have to pay for my phone bill and for food that I want for my fridge, or you know what I mean, like stuff like that, like it was just like it all just flooded in. And I always think back to that moment because every year that I enter a new phase like that, like when I started working a full time job or when I became a mom, things like that. Every phase where I move on to something else, where it's like, oh, I have so much more responsibility now.

Speaker 1: 26:57

I always think back to Grace sitting in her dorm room on that first day, feeling like the weight of the world on my shoulders, where it's like every time there's so much more weight that comes, and it's like that at that moment I felt. When I look back to it and reflect on it, it's like, wow, I had so much freedom. Like remember being young and the only worry you had was that you didn't lock yourself out of your dorm room, like stuff like that, anyways. But I remember that feeling and I remember the yearning in those hours because I was too nervous to walk out of my room and figure out where to go because, like, everyone else is in their rooms and I was not the person to just like knock on someone's door or walk into an open door and be like, hey guys, I'm Grace. I wish I was that person, but I wasn't that person at that time. And still to this day, there's moments where I'm definitely not that person and my introvert side comes out. But I just remember sitting in those hours and thinking like, wow, I'm an adult now and I yearned for the freedom that I used to feel literally yesterday.

Speaker 1: 27:56

And so after the next memory I have where I yearned for a time when I was younger was after almost a year of working full time. I remember I graduated and I moved home and I was actually living back at home, but I was working full time and I had bought a car, I had more financial responsibilities and I felt freedom from like homework and stuff. Like I loved working because you went home at the end of the night and you were just like this is my time, the weekend's my time. But I quickly forgot about what I didn't like of school when it was about like eight months into my job and I was just like, is this the rest of my life? Is waking up and going to work every day? Like what I miss school and I miss silly Fridays out with friends and getting drunk and up to no good and enjoying parties and just like having late morning brunches and going to church on Sunday with everyone and it being such a social event.

Speaker 1: 29:03

Like I miss all of that stuff and I miss, like the ability to meet people and like infinite amounts of people. I feel like school is one of those places where you're just like always meeting people and like the ability to create friendship is so endless, where, like once you enter the working world, I feel like that's it's stalled, like you obviously have your coworkers, but like there's only so many of them. I worked for a small, small program and so it's like there's only so many of them and like I love the people I work with, but like they're we're all in different stages of life, or like I feel like in school it's like we're all kind of around the same stage of life, figuring out it or whatever. And so I decided to go back to school because I yearned for for them, for those memories, for those moments, and I was quickly jolted back to school and reminded oh wait, there were lots of things I didn't like about school.

Speaker 1: 29:53

I thought school was isolating and lonely at times and I felt a lot of things that I didn't love about school, like the fact that you have homework and that there's projects to stress over and that there's things that you might not want to do but you like have to do to graduate and then also going, like meeting people. It's like the friendships felt less authentic and the connections you made were not, as I don't know, not a set of stone sometime. And like there were great people I met in college. Like there's people I still talk to this day. I love them so much, like literally such good vibes. But there's also people who it's like I was just wasting time with. You know what I mean. Like not wasting time. We have good memories to think about. But also, at the same time it was like it was pretty surface level but I was quickly jolted into reality and reminded like I actually didn't like school that much. There were things that I liked and people that I liked.

Speaker 1: 30:47

But I think I was also yearning because I moved from Ottawa where I thought I was going to graduate and work and live and my rest of my life was gonna be there and all those friends I made were there. But then I moved home to Toronto. Life kind of changed last minute and I was back in Toronto hometown. Some hometown friends were there. I was stuck in between, like I'm hanging out with people from high school and now I'm trying to meet new people. I don't know. I just felt very like I'm not with the people that I loved and was like building these really great relationships with, and so I felt like that was what tricked me into going back to school.

Speaker 1: 31:27

And I never looked back on my journey as like, ugh, I wish that didn't happen. But I just remember thinking like, oh wait, the grass is literally always greener. I feel like that's when I learned the grass. What the grass is greener means is that you always think that it's gonna be better on the other side. But, like, if you actually look inwards and reflect on what your life is now and what you have, there's always gonna be hard times. There's always gonna be things you don't like. And as I got older, it's like, wait, I'm actually building a life that I love.

Speaker 1: 32:01

And maybe, when I look back, what I'm yearning for I think is like, oh, I miss doing this or whatever. But it's actually like I want to go back and relive the memories that I already have in my mind, where it's like you're never gonna go back and relive those exact memories. It's always gonna be different and you're older now, and not in a bad way, but like you're older now and it's gonna be different people and you're in a different phase of life and you have different experiences and it's never you're never gonna relive the exact same moment that you've had before. But I'm so grateful for those memories because I look back and I cherish them and I feel like I now hold to myself like that. I will, in the moment, try and cherish though what's happening right now, because I know in the future I'm gonna look back and think, oh, I miss that so much. And so I feel like that's a way that I really stay present is that I know that you can't repeat and you can't relive something that you've experienced already. And even how hard you try, it'll always be different and it probably will make you feel more stunned to be back there or to like retry and live.

Speaker 1: 33:11

And so, now that I am so aware of that, I always, in the moment I'm quick to absorb, absorb my surroundings. What do I see outside the window? Like this morning, the snow was falling and I was cozy and I was with Ro, my little baby not so little anymore, almost gonna be four and me and her just hanging out and having our slow mornings and Trevor comes in and kisses us good morning and informs us of whatever he's gonna tell us about the day and how it's gonna begin, mr Planet. And then I hear the door close as they head out for school and then I'm left with silence and I sit in that silence and I think, wow, this is really a beautiful moment for me. Things like that, like that, is what I am doing every moment now. I try, I try. It does feel like second nature now for me. I try to always be aware of what I'm feeling grateful for in that moment, because I know that we can't recreate it and I'm so grateful for each moment that I give and, as we know, if you've listened to this podcast, my memories are one of those things that I cherish and hold so tightly to me, and so the more I can make them colorful and vibrant with, like, the setting of what each memory holds, the more I do so.

Speaker 1: 34:42

Now let's cast forward. How was my going back to school, where I really became present in? Like, oh, we can't repeat and we can't become what we once were. So when I had Ro, now, when I got married, like, there wasn't any moment like that the year that I got married, I just want I feel like I'm skipping from one big thing to the next and didn't talk about my marriage, but the year that I got married. Like literally those years were from engagement to marriage I had and I was graduating school, which I wasn't so happy about returning to. So I was feeling really good and I was being cascaded into a life that I was craving so, so badly and I was so excited for, because me and Trevor dated for a long time, like seven years before we got married and so getting married and moving in with each other and all that stuff felt so good. Like that part of my life before getting pregnant was amazing. I remember it so vividly, I love it and it's one of those things that I look back to all the time and think did I take it for granted?

Speaker 1: 35:38

And sometimes I feel like, oh, maybe we didn't give ourselves enough time before we had kids and but we did. Like I don't think there's ever a right or a wrong, but like I feel like we really sat in our marriage before, like we were thoughtful and gave consideration before we had Ro and we still had kids young, like we still had Ro young, but we also got married at 24 and had Ro. I don't even remember, I think it was like three years after that. But like I do feel like we lived a lot that we could then in that marriage and I feel like now in that marriage we're still married, but in that phase of marriage. But anyways, I wanna talk to the next point where I really feel like I aged. All of these things are talking about me aging mentally. So so far I've really felt not physical but mental aging. I felt like I miss the freedom or I miss feeling young and whimsical and doing whatever I want and not having to worry about this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah and having no responsibilities and all of that stuff. So now we're this is the first time where I've really felt the physical. So when I had Ro, it was like the second I had Ro and got home and started trying to live my life, I was like, oh my gosh.

Speaker 1: 36:53

I remember looking in the mirror and just feeling like who am I? I feel like after you have a baby, your body changes so much, like you're. One day you're pregnant. Your body obviously changes so much, but you still feel like a little bit of yourself. But then after you have a baby, it's like everything's moved. You look in the mirror and you're like who am I? You're so tired. I feel like I aged so much. I remember looking in the mirror, thinking like I literally feel like the oldest person, like I'm, like I have kissed my youth goodbye, I am now a mother, a mother. I just remember feeling that like, feeling like I'll never get back to, feeling freedom and no responsibility, like I just remember those feelings so vividly and I remember looking at myself and feeling like I just look so tired and old and I remember that taking over me. Like I actually have been thinking about this recently.

Speaker 1: 37:57

It's like if I was so invested in like following people who are pregnant at the same time as me, like I remember I tell you this all the time, cute. But like I was someone who needed to know what was gonna happen and I think being pregnant and having Ro obviously is the ultimate test and not knowing what's gonna happen because everyone's pregnancy is different. But I was like so obsessed with following people on YouTube who, like were pregnant at the same time as me, so I could like get their updates every week and how they felt and I could compare and contrast and like when they were gonna have their baby and all this stuff anyways. So then after this was toxic, it felt comforting before, but then after it was toxic, because after then I had, after I had Ro, I had people that I was following who were literally having babies around the same time as me. And now they're sharing their journey of like how they're gonna snap back or like what they're feeling like, or their routine, they're all of these things and it's like, okay, these are not lining up, I'm not feeling the same way, my body does not feel the same way, all of this stuff.

Speaker 1: 38:55

And then it was like that was where it became really toxic and so I was thinking about this recently, because recently I've been getting pushed so many baby ads. I think it's cause I posted a video and everyone was like, are you pregnant? And I was like, no friends, I'm not pregnant. But anyways, I feel like now I'm getting pushed like baby accounts and pregnancy or baby product ads, all this stuff. Anyways, I was just thinking like I'm not gonna do that, like I am not gonna.

Speaker 1: 39:22

I hope if I, if I decide to be pregnant again and I'm able to get pregnant again, I hope that I can remember that I did not like that was not good. I I took that in a toxic way and it was not good for me because I Instantly felt like I am never gonna be myself again, I'm never gonna be able to fit into my clothes again. I'm never this, I'm never that. I remember pulling out my clothes. That was a mistake. Don't do that Cute. Don't Try and pull out your clothes and think like, oh yeah, I'm feeling so much better, I'm gonna have fit. No, I Spiraled, I spiraled. I never even thought I would spiral and I spiraled. I Remember I'll.

Speaker 1: 40:01

On another thing I remember everyone tells you, after you have a baby, you buy jeans two sizes too big. Like it, don't, don't feel like you have to fit back into your jeans. Okay, okay, I'll do it. So I remember I bought jeans two sizes too big. Guess what? They didn't fit me. Cute, they were too small. And then I felt like, oh, now I'm too big. Post, I Was not. There's no such thing. But like. I remember that. I remember that so vividly. That was such a setback for me and I was trying so hard to be so like. I am who I am and I'm new. My body is new. Who I'm gonna be is new, like whatever.

Speaker 1: 40:34

Yeah, I did not live in the present in those moments in that sense, and I felt defeated and I felt Like I would never get back to feeling myself Physically, mentally, anything. And so I yearned. I yearned for a time where I felt young again and I almost mourned, like in a negative way, where, like I never want to mourn a past self, like I'm never, I'm never kissing her goodbye, she'll always be a part of me, she is always a part of me, and so I I but I was like mourning, like I'm never gonna be that person again and like, yes, you're never gonna be the exact person you were, but you were always yourself and you were always growing and changing and that person is still a part of me and I, I just like this is a whole nother thing, but like I'm not gonna get into a post part of rant, maybe we can do another episode about that, maybe I have done an episode about it. But like I just like felt I Really tried hard not to put pressure on myself to have to like a bounce back or anything like that, but it like, even no matter how hard I did, like it's still over consumed me. So anyways, that was the first time in my adult life where I really Physically felt like my youth had been taken away from me, like it was gone. Time had stolen my youth and it was not coming back.

Speaker 1: 41:52

Now, fast forward as a 30 year old. That was me, maybe I'm trying to think of when I had row. I think I was 28 or 27, but now I feel like I Am Invincible in a sense, because with all of this and all of these experiences, I have Taken with me the knowledge I've said this already but with the knowledge that I will not be able to return back to who I was. But life has only ever gotten sweeter for me, like, and Even those cherished memories, like I have so many good memories of growing up at camp and being with my girlfriends and spending summers with girls, because I went to a girls camp, spending summers with girls in Girlhood and feeling powerful and that's where I really was able to become myself was in those safe spaces for me and I cherished that.

Speaker 1: 42:49

And I remember sleepovers and biking to friends houses and biking for free Z's and biking was a big part of my, my upbringing. But, like, or like, my first freedom, I feel like, was when I, like, hit my bike and was able to go wherever I wanted to go. But like I remember that and then when I fast forward to my first time being, oh, on my own at school outside of res and being in my own apartment, and like setting up my own space, I I cherish those moments and going out for late brunches and dinners with friends and and then having my my space at home, but then also knowing that, like I felt a lot of loneliness in that time, but like I Am now able to reflect back on my life and see the contrast between what was the low and what was the high at that moment in my life, sometimes we just like Brush over the lows, right, but, and we're like we look back and we're like, oh my god, the grass is greener. Or we look at someone else's life and we're like, there, their life is so beautiful and they're so young looking and they're always put together and they, they do all this stuff to make themselves Beautiful. And like I get stuck in that, even like I, even recently, it was like when I came up from Italy, I was like wearing makeup more often or taking the time to get ready and Do my hair put on makeup, and I was like, oh, I feel so great and then eventually this is what always happens when I do stuff like that, which is why I always go back to oh, natural is.

Speaker 1: 44:18

Then I feel like who am I? Or it feels like if I don't put in enough time, then it looks different. And all this stuff when it's like at the end of the night, when I wash my face and I put on my jammies, I'm like I am so beautiful and I feel beautiful, like I feel Relaxed and I feel comfortable, and it's like I never want to lose that feeling of Natural beauty in myself, like as a whole, like I look at myself and I think of how I feel, and I look at who I am and I think, wow, grace, you are a beautiful human being with a beautiful spirit and you carry yourself lovely. So like, don't feel like you need to, and that you have to, every morning, get up and put in this time to add more layers to yourself, because when you take it all away, you are beautiful, and so this is something that I remind myself of. All the time and it's probably like twice a year I get caught up in this world where it's like, oh, I feel like I need to Put more effort into how I look and what I put on my body and all this stuff. And then I Do it for a while and then it's like, oh, I start feeling like icky, I'm sticky, and then it's like I just feel uncomfortable and then I strip it back and I'm like this is who I am, like this is Wow, I want to feel. I want to feel who I am right now To my fullest, and like this is not me saying anything against you, wearing makeup or anything we already prefaced. I don't need to. I don't need to put any more disclaimers out, but I Feel like when I look back on all these memory are on on my life thus far, and there's definitely times where I've looked back at pictures of myself and thought, wow, I'm crazy for thinking that I was too big or too much or awkward or that I like anything negative.

Speaker 1: 46:08

I feel like we like in the moment, we think all these negative thoughts and then we look back and we're like, wow, like I was so Beautiful, I was so amazing, I was this, I was that, I love that, I love how I look, whatever. So now that I have this Experience, I try to take my life experience and I try to live as presently now by just being so aware that there'll be a time in ten years when I look back at pictures of myself now and think all these Amazing positive things and be like girl what was wrong with you for thinking anything negative? So I always just try and have that, that. What is it when you like Awareness, have that awareness that I had. No, that I felt like that in the past or about my past self. So future me is probably gonna feel that about me now.

Speaker 1: 46:51

So I just try and live as present as possible and take in every moment, because I cherish my memory so much and we can never go back and relive on an exact moment In our life, but we can always create new beautiful things and just know that they're always gonna be highs and lows and that if you go around chasing youth in a physical way or in a way of Trying to relive a moment, it's probably not gonna happen because that's not really like possible. But if we chase youth in a way of being childlike and young-spirited and Feeling that Freedom that youth can, can, can blossom like, if we chase that, that internal feeling of belly laughs and and and peaceful moments with friends and family and on your own and and Experiencing things like it's the first time, like every snowfall is something to be excited about and every jump, every rain and jump in a puddle is something that Is to sell it be celebrated if we, if we change our mindsets to experience life with youthfulness and and glow and and kindred spirit, like I think that's a really really good way to live presently and and to glow from within and to To keep that, that spark alive. You know, like I feel, like that's really I'm really, I'm really childlike at heart and I love that. And I feel like my experiences in life and the way that I've reflected as I've grown have really helped me to keep that, to keep that internal glow and To keep that spirit going, and it's something I cherish so deeply. And so we'll change and we'll evolve and we'll look different and We'll we'll always yearn for maybe a time that once was, but, as that happens, just know that you are Still who you were then and then and then and then that person lives within you and and that every moment we're given is such a gift and it's something to absorb and enjoy and breathe in and take a moment and just live. Thank you so much for asking that question, cutie. This was a great conversation.

Speaker 1: 49:27

Let's get into our entertainment recap. Entertainment recap, entertainment recap. I needed a big sip of water, okay, cutes. So I finished my book this morning. I have to tell you I was obsessed, obsessed. It was called Meet Me at the Lake by Carly Fortune. It is Toronto-based, I think, author, so the book takes place in Toronto and Muscova, and I literally ate it up, loved it. Now I shared it. Everyone else recommended it to me, but then I shared it that I was reading it, and then everyone was like you have to read her debut novel. I loved it even more and I was like, oh my gosh, okay, adding it to the list. So I actually had two books I was gonna line up after, but now I loved her novel so much it's like I wanna be transported into another world that she created. So the next book I'm gonna start, probably tonight, is Every Summer After, which was her debut, her first album, or her first album, her first novel, and so I am so excited Like there was another one I don't even remember anymore that I've lined up on my cobo. Oh, sorry, my throat is so dry. Let me take a Siparoni, but if you're looking for just a really quick, snackable romance, you gotta read Meet Me at the Lake, and if you wanna join in, then Every Summer After is what I'm gonna read next.

Speaker 1: 50:55

So for shows, I'm just watching Love Island All Star at the moment. I'm still watching Children Rune everything on Netflix. I have a few more episodes of that. They're really short and snackable, but I am watching Love Island All Stars. I'm using a VPN. I feel like everyone's like how are you watching it? I'm using a VPN and I can watch it online, whatever. You know how to do that, because I don't know where it's gonna be available.

Speaker 1: 51:16

Normally, hey you is where Love Island stuff go, and last year when they did their winter season, they had it on hey you like pretty much same day or a couple days delayed. So I don't think they're doing that this year, but I'm gonna check, because normally sometimes it's like a week or so delayed. So maybe it will come up. I'm not sure, but if not, then it'll premiere after the season's done, cause that's what they did with Love Island Australia. So if you haven't watched Love Island Australia yet, it is available. Season two or whatever the newest season is on hey you right now, but anyways, I'm watching Love Island All Stars. It's like I'm enjoying it, I'm into it, but it's like so different Cause it's half of the people I like know because I've seen their season, but I haven't seen every season of Love Island and it's like people that all kind of are in the same world with each other. So it's very interesting. I am enjoying it. I hope there's a challenge in this week's episode because I earned this today or tomorrow's episode Because, like, I feel like we need a challenge.

Speaker 1: 52:13

And then we also watched the Barbie movie. Half of it With Roe, I've seen the Barbie movie. I liked it. I told you that what was my Barbie movie of 2023? It was hey there, it's Me, margaret. Hey God, it's Me, margaret, or whatever it's called, which was like I absolutely adored that movie, like friggin loved it, and it was like my coming of age movie that I needed in my life, where Barbie, like it was fine but like it didn't hit home like that one did hey there, me, it's Margaret. Blah, blah, blah, whatever. Anyways, but Trevor hasn't seen Barbie movie and Roe, like, has been really into Barbie lately. It's a bit older, like I didn't know she would like it or not, and we watched about half of it before she was exhausted because we were watching it pretty late. So yeah, she did enjoy it. We haven't finished it yet. I don't know if we will. I remember thinking like I liked the first half and then the middle was kind of long and then the end was like, yeah, got better, but like I remember the middle thinking it was long. So that's why it'll be harder for us to pick up, but that's what I'm watching and reading currently.

Speaker 1: 53:13

Don't forget to follow me on Spotify for our 2024 playlist, always linked below, if you want to know what I'm listening to. I add songs every week. It's like my liked playlist that I share publicly with everyone. So I love you all. Q. It's like I can't believe we've come to the end Perfect timing, because my meeting starts in literally six minutes. And oh, I want to say, follow me on YouTube for weekly vlogs and then obviously, on TikTok and Instagram at five years time podcast. I'm sharing a lot there about food and the day to day life. So I love you all. Thank you for coming along for this conversation.

Speaker 1: 53:50

I hope the YouTube video worked out. We'll see after my camera got hot, apparently, and shut off randomly at one point, so I'm not sure where it stopped or started. We'll see what happens, but if not, then you've seen me here. Maybe I'll ask my stories if you want me to upload just the audio on YouTube, cause I do know there's people who listen just on YouTube. Anyways, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I love you all. Your hearts are young and your spirits are beautiful, so let's tap into that energy and share childlike joy with each other every day. Love you, love you, love you. Mwah mwah, mwah. Bye. Cute Eating in altitude in an upbeatño park with the wind whistling to the composed Too much and you don't like it, thank you.