Speaker 1: 0:00

Hey cuties, welcome back to 5 Years Time Podcast with your host, grace. I'm so excited that you've joined us this week and I am so excited to be back here. I just spent like 10 minutes trying to figure out my comfortable position and now, as soon as I started talking, I'm like maybe I'm not as comfortable as I thought I was. Excuse, my phone running into my water bottle. Maybe I'm not as comfortable as I thought I was. I need to get like a little poof or something to put my legs up. I actually have a addition to this couch. I'm not sure if this couch is staying here. I just stuck it here because this is where it used to live before I decided this is where I was podcasting, but I have a chair that I might use. That's upstairs, but I haven't decided yet. Anyways, all that to be said is this couch has a ability. It has like a long cushion so you can make it into a sectional. Maybe I'll do that, but I wonder it would go under the table, but I think I would still. My legs would still fit. Yeah, I feel like that would be comfy. I'm just trying to figure out the vibe because it's really like come here, sit down, chill, talk to the cuties and be comfy, cozy. Also, I'm wearing these Delta headphones that Trevor had from a flight as my headphones. Last week I was wearing the over ear ones, which was good. This, I'm wearing these ones. I feel like the quality is not as good and every time I hit this wire it's like so we'll see how that goes. I might turn them down a bit and I forgot that I wanted to try recording on a different camera and then when I sat down I was like I'm not even going to. I'm not even going to this time, we're just going to use this camera. So that's where we're at. Also, another new thing lots of lots housekeeping. Today is Trevor's just on our main floor. I kicked him out. I said you got to get up there and work up there, and I think he's making lunch right now. I can hear everything bing-banging around the kitchen. We don't have a door between our basement and our main floor, so it's kind of just like an open vessel, but I don't think the mic's going to pick it up. But we'll see, we'll see. We're just trying out new things, cuties, just trying out new things. Anyways, welcome back to 5 Years Time Podcast. I am so excited about today's episode.

Speaker 1: 2:11

I feel like I have had this on my heart literally since I left off. I feel like as soon as we left off I kind of went on this journey of friendship, meeting people and reconnecting with people and being in a lot of social settings that I haven't been in in a long time and just like experiencing myself as a very social being and discovering what type of habits or like maybe little bits of anxiety I've picked up since kind of working from home, obviously through COVID and stuff like that, becoming a mom, all of those things and then like reentering a environment of like go, go, go around people all the time. There were some bumps in the road, and so this week I really want to talk about friendship and I think mainly my nose is so itchy I think mainly female friendship, which is so near and dear to my heart. So I'm really excited to talk about that. But before we jump into that, let's do our weekly recap. This past week was so interesting.

Speaker 1: 3:17

Literally, when I was talking to you last week at the end of the podcast, I had so many messages on my phone and it was my mom messaging me because she was on a little staycation with her girlfriends and one of them ended up getting really sick. So she needed me to come pick her up and it was like a gastro virus and I was like, oh no, in my mind I was like, okay, if I pick up my mom, most likely whatever it is, if it's super contagious I will get. So I kind of put myself in that mindset and then I picked up my mom whatever drove home. So it was such a busy day and I was like committed to myself I want to get the podcast up today because I recorded on Wednesday. So I literally drove all the way to Toronto, drove all the way home. Trevor had picked up Ro, then stepped right into mom mode, made dinner, got everything all set, and then I put on a movie for Ro and had her stay up a little bit late and I just sat here and I was like I started exporting, put her to bed and got everything in order. So I got it up. I think I got it up at like 9pm or 10pm, but I got it up on Wednesday. So I'm someone who like, when I say something or like set a goal in my mind, I really have to achieve it. I just really do. So I'm happy that I did that. But anyways, I then was like I'll follow up with my mom and see how she feels. She ended up feeling fine the next day, and then the next day it hit her, and then all weekend I was so panicked that I was going to get sick. If you watch this week's vlog, basically it's a journey of figuring out if I'm going to get sick or not and being like so paranoid.

Speaker 1: 4:49

I hate gastro. Like I've had true, true gastro one time that I remember in my life and it was when I was working in. Oh hello, a little friend came to visit us. Hello, astro, we're talking about gastro, not the tail in the mouth. Come on, I'm learning cat life or cat owner life, which is a lot of like tail and butt in your face. I don't quite understand, but thank you, thank you very much.

Speaker 1: 5:19

Anyways, I was working at a or I was doing my placement when I was in my early childhood education program. I was doing my placement at a infant program and there were actually four of us educators, like adults, in a room with the infants. I'll always know who the mic is. Yeah, so I think they're. I'm trying to think what is the? What is the? What do you call it? I'm trying to think what the ratio for infants is. I am so far removed from childcare, like I don't even remember, but I feel like it's like 10 to two, or maybe it's five to one, which is 10 to two, I don't remember, but anyways, there were four of us. There were three educators and me, a student, and we that I remember it was a Friday and we had two blowout, like major blowouts with kids, and I remember tidying up one of them and I didn't even think anything of it. I was like whatever, like I don't know much about infants and their bowel movements, like perhaps this is just normal.

Speaker 1: 6:23

And then we all went home for the weekend and I remember I was going to the mall with my friend after school and we went shopping and then we were going to have some dinner and then, as soon as we got to the food court, all of a sudden my body, just like I don't know it, felt like I like blacked out, standing up, like everything, everything just like went numb and like I just had this ringing in my ears and like I feel like my vision kind of like blurred and went somewhere, and so I sat down. I was like I don't not know what's happening right now. And then we sat for a minute. I think we got some water, and then I was like maybe I should just go home. So she was like, okay, let's go home. And so she made sure like she walked me home, like we took the bus, and then she like came to my home. I feel like Trevor just said something to me. I don't know If you hear a lot of in and out. Trevor has decided to take this hour to go in and out of her house like 12,000 times. Okay, anyways, so I she got me up to my apartment and I literally was like in the elevator and I was like oh no. And then we got to my floor and I like ran to my door as fast as possible, unlocked it and like just began the throwing up and other things and it was just the worst weekend ever. She like made sure that I was okay and got me a few things and then headed home.

Speaker 1: 7:39

Obviously, but it was the worst weekend ever and I think also because I was alone, like I had a roommate at the time and they worked most weekends, like they worked in the restaurant industry. So I was really truly alone and I just felt so horrible and I didn't have my mom with me and it was like the worst thing ever. And then we all I went back to work on Monday and then I just remember, one of us said we were like all sitting around with the kids and then one of us was like, hey, like did you get really sick this weekend? And we were all like, oh my gosh, it was the worst weekend ever. So that was my one experience with gastro and I learned how contagious it was then and I learned how much I did not enjoy it. And so this weekend I was just freaking out. I was so paranoid all weekend.

Speaker 1: 8:25

But, flash forward, I did not get sick. My mom had gone, like she was staying in a hotel with one of her friends, but they'd all gone out to dinner with like a bunch of friends the night before the sickness begun and only the two people staying together ended up getting sick. So I guess you really had to be in the nitty gritty of it all, sharing a bathroom, probably. But I am so glad I did not get sick. I was so panicked. I was like I need to get through two nights, 48 hours, and then I will be at peace. And that's exactly. Basically it was 48 hours of me being like paranoid and then I was at peace. So I'm happy I did not get sick, but that was a big part of my last week, rowe and I.

Speaker 1: 9:02

Because of that, rowe and I did get to go to our Taylor Swift dance party, which we had so much fun. Rowe had the best time ever. Most of the kids that were there were older kids and they were like so Taylor Swift out like sparkles, glitter, friendship bracelet, making everything. And Rowe was obsessed, like she loves to be around that, like older girl energy and like girly energy, and it was like so fun. And it was all women. It was nice to have her participate in like one of my dance classes and get to know what it's like, because I feel like she's always so excited about it. I always record them for her because she wants to see what the final dance is. So very cute for her to get to be part of it and it was very fun time.

Speaker 1: 9:40

I'm trying to think what else. I had a really productive weekend with like chores and laundry and stuff like that, which is awesome. I feel a really up to date or her up to date. I feel really yeah, I feel really like on top of laundry at the moment, which is amazing. I set a goal for myself maybe a month ago, saying that I would do like a load of laundry every day. I feel like I used to be able to just do it. I have so much cat hair on my face on one day a week, like Sundays, when it was just me and Trevor, but ever since we had Ro, it's like, oh my gosh, there's so much. And then there's the bedding, there's the towels, there's the kitchen towels, bathroom towels, all the little extra things. So I'm now trying to do one load a day of like those little things and I feel like I'm finally because I spent this weekend catching up on all of the laundry, I feel like I'm finally getting on top of it. So we'll see how I go. That was a month ago. I said I would do that and I did not do it Like I tried and then I just kept falling behind, falling behind, filing behind, and I still.

Speaker 1: 10:37

I tried the whole not sorting, but I still like sorting. I find that I actually like end up ruining my clothes faster when I don't sort it, which always makes me frustrated. So I am now trying. Today I put in a towel load like a bathroom towel load, and that feels really good. Yesterday I did sheets load, today I did a bathroom towel load and tomorrow I'll probably try and throw in like a darks or a color load and I just feel really proud of myself and if I get into a good rhythm then I won't fall behind and I'll just feel good moving forward. So that feels nice. It feels like a weight off my shoulders.

Speaker 1: 11:09

I just came back from boogie class. It was Whitney week so we did all Whitney Houston dancing. It was very on your toes. I really love Tuesdays for that purpose. But anyways, let's jump into this week I learned.

Speaker 1: 11:19

I'm so excited to talk about it and I also just feel like kind of overstimulated right now because a lot of stuff was going on in the house for this whole first section of the podcast and I just feel like I lost my train of thought. So let's jump into this week. I learned um, am I the problem? We're talking about friendship and we're talking about female friendship and I have so many notes here. This has been a really big highlight and speaking point talking about female friendship and I have so many notes here. This has been a really big highlight and speaking point of this past year and I feel like I've, every time something has happened or there's been like a moment where I need to be reflective, I'm like, oh my gosh, I need to talk to the cuties about this, like we need to have a podcast about this, and then obviously I haven't been podcasting and so I'm really excited about this episode. I knew it needed to be the second one after our catch up, because I just have so much to say and I feel like for so long I was working through my thoughts but I kind of have come to some sort of conclusion. But you know, I'll always end up working through my thoughts during the what have I? Oh gosh, the cat just took my ears, took my earbuds and now is chewing on them Thank you, kitty cat. And then I always feel like when I talk through it on the podcast, I even come to more understanding or a different point of view that I haven't experienced yet. So I'm really excited for this because I'm surprised slash.

Speaker 1: 12:36

I'm surprised that it's still kind of relevant in my life now, because I remember when I first was thinking about female friendships and friendships and all this stuff was literally like a year ago when I was in the Bahamas. That was like my first. Really. It was a girl's trip. We were there for a bachelorette with some people I knew, some people I didn't know, so it just felt like this really social event that I hadn't experienced in a while, and so that was like what I thought was the height of it. But no, it continued and I feel like it's still relevant and it's still obviously a part of my life now, because navigating friend groups can be a really difficult thing. Let's get into it.

Speaker 1: 13:18

My history with female friendship has always been amazing. I always thrive in a female environment. I love the girlies. I was a girl guide growing up, which is like an all girls club Club is that the all girls organization where weekly you have meetings and you go camping and like you're with your girls, and I always felt like that was like my favorite part of the week where I could just be with girls and express myself as I am. I grew up going to a camp that was separated in girls and boys, and so I grew up in an all girls environment for the summertime and I always just felt like I could really blossom and be my truest self during that and in that type of environment I would go from school where, especially entering girl guide age, I did sparks and stuff when I was younger but I feel like I was less aware.

Speaker 1: 14:08

But like from middle school onwards, when I was at school, I always kind of felt like I didn't know. Especially middle school I was like I don't know. I felt like a lot. There were girls who like hit puberty and were all about boys and makeup and bras and all of this stuff. And then there was me who was like a later bloomer and I kind of was trying to navigate where my friendships laid. And then there were like the boys who just became like butt faces and it was just like hard to like. I don't know express yourself or feel confident and comfortable in that setting, because I felt like everybody was always on edge and like judging and whatever. It's a hard time. Middle school is a hard time.

Speaker 1: 14:50

So Girl Guides was like one time a week where I could just go and let loose and be silly and laugh and have so much fun and just be with the girls. It was a safe space and so then going into my summers where I was spending a month at a time in an all girls environment, it was the same thing. It was like, oh, this feels so wonderful. And it's actually where I really learned that I like attention. I always thought like I will always like kind of had this shyer side. I like to read a room and kind of figure out who people are and what the what the setting is, before I like let myself be free to really be myself. I want to feel safe and I feel like being in those girl environments was where I learned like I like to shine, I like to make people laugh and I like to have I'm just going to hang this up here in hopes that the cat doesn't get stuck in it but I like to be the center of socialization and like bringing people together and also participating and all of that stuff. So I really learned that in girl environments.

Speaker 1: 15:56

And it's funny, when I got to high school and started and continued going to this camp, you could tell like there was like the division of the cool girls and like the girls who were just there to have a fun time and I always feel like I was always the girl that was there to just have a fun time and, funny story is one of my best friends to this day who we always go visit out in BC. We actually met prior to LIT, which is like the leader in training program and at girls camp, and she was like part of the like cooler group of girls and I was like more of the like fun goofing around just there for a good time. And she didn't like herself necessarily, but those cooler girls like they love to make you feel like you weren't included. And I'm not saying that was necessarily her we joke about this all the time but because she, like, was gravitating towards that, I was always so hesitant to want to be their friend. And then fast forward a year we met at LIT in a totally different environment without those people, and I was like, oh my gosh, we get along so so well. So it's always funny.

Speaker 1: 17:01

Also the people you surround yourself with. Like sometimes you don't mean to be a certain way, but sometimes that's the people you surround yourself with and then that's like the vibe you get off or it's also you like kind of take on a bit of what they do or say and then you're giving off that energy to other people, and so it's always interesting, like how group dynamics work. That is my history with girl groups and all girl environments. And then after high school, I obviously went to a program ECE which is all girls, and so I always just feel like I always gravitated towards all girl environments. I always felt safe in an all girl environment. I remember I would go to class and be like, okay, this feels good. And then I would go back to res and I'd be like, oh my gosh, there's mixed genders and I don't know how to. I just feel like for some reason I don't know what it is, I don't know what changes, but once there's a mixed gender, sometimes it can feel overwhelming. But all this to be said, one of my best friends, still to this day, is a boy. So I'm not against the boys, but today I'm really talking about the girls environment.

Speaker 1: 18:01

Now let's talk about me and friendships this past year. Okay, so basically throughout my twenties, I've gone through lots of different friend groups. I feel like every time you are at a new job or you're in a new school or a new program, a new class, whatever, you always like friend, befriend the people that you're working with and like I love that's one of my favorite things about work is the people that you're with. But I always feel like those friendships are kind of like for a season and a reason and a season and every time I've like moved from one thing to the next and every time I've like moved from one thing to the next, they obviously they haven't been. They're not friendships that carry you throughout your entire life. Of course, if you saw them again, you would talk to them or you keep up on social media, but they're not like a daily fixated person in your life. Whereas I have a handful of friends that I've just been like my ride or dies from basically high school to now and I love them forever and I feel like we've gone through all these phases of life and our friendships have expanded and continue to grow and just become this like fountain of beauty, because we've gone through so much together but also gone through time and change and distance and family dynamics and all these things and it's like we've still managed to stay together and it just feels like a solid group.

Speaker 1: 19:22

I'm so grateful for those friends. Those are my favorite people to be around and I can just really be authentically a hundred percent myself. I can just laugh and joke and we can rag on each other, which I love doing, and I love being sarcastic and dry and just like having a good laugh. I think that's fun. That's something that's fun to me and I know that's not fun to everyone. That's something in my life that people have always told me You're too funny and never serous, and it's like I just want to have a good time and I used to. I remember I used to think like when people tell me that, but the thing is I do, I don't think I. I don't think having a laugh and enjoying life and being positive and bubbly doesn't mean you can't be serious. I just think that it means you're light on your feet and you bring this lightness to the world and life. When things feel heavy all the time, like I don't want to feel heavy all the time, I just want to have a good time, anyway.

Speaker 1: 20:15

So then this past year I went down to my friend's bachelorette trip, which was so fun and I wasn't nervous at all. There was going to be some people I knew, some people I didn't know and I was ready to meet people. It was going to be an all-girls setting. I always feel like I thrive in an all-girls setting and I remember that was my first time being in like a girl group or even on a group trip, and I just realized the dynamic, like I'm learning.

Speaker 1: 20:42

There were a few times where it was like you would walk in on a conversation and other people would be talking about other people. Or some people will be talking about some people in the group, or some people will be talking about the other people in the group and other people will be talking to other people in the group, and especially me as a float. I feel like my whole life I've been a float, um. I'm very much like even in high school I kind of just like floated from group to group. I didn't really have like a group of my own, um, and so I always feel like I'm very aware of like when people are talking about other people and I'm always like, oh, it's so.

Speaker 1: 21:15

It makes me feel really unsafe to be myself because I'm like okay, as soon as I leave, someone's gonna talk about me, and I feel like this whole year is me just learning that even in our adulthood that is what we do, is we just talk about other people when they're not in the room and it's like, I guess, as we're interested to break it down and, like I don't know, find purpose or reason for everything, but at the same time, there has to be a line and also we just have to realize that like people can just be who they are and there's no reason, and we can just love them for who they are and, honestly, like most of the time when people are doing things, that has nothing to do with you, so just like, let them do whatever they're doing. But anyways, I just remember this one night I was sitting at the table and I was like so anxious I was also drinking, which doesn't help anxiety but I was sitting at a dinner table and I had my roommate next to me, who I just met this trip, but she was amazing, awesome, great. But and I there were a few girls that were across the table that I just met, but I feel like we had good vibes and I remember like I had said something and then they said something back and it felt like a little cold and I got so deep into my head and I was like, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh, they're mad at me Like I don't know what I did. And then I remember I turned to my roommate and I was like, hey, like, is it just me? And she was like you're good, you're good. Like she was like you're fine, you're fine, don't worry about it.

Speaker 1: 22:37

And I could not get out of my head, like. And then I get in my head and I'm like, oh, my gosh, I get. And so, like I excused myself to go to the bathroom and like, collect it myself. And this has nothing to do with that person necessarily across the table. It was just like this little interaction where all of a sudden I realized like, oh, this may not be like the safest space, like not saying that it's not a safe space, but like there's something between these. These are new people, new people to me, and like we don't all know each other fully. And so I just remember having that moment and then it was fine, everything was fine. And I later on brought it up with the person and they were like oh, no, no, like everything's fine. And I was like, okay, everything's fine, everything's fine.

Speaker 1: 23:17

But I all of a sudden was just like, okay, wait, I'm in a new environment with new people and I can't just always I'm such an open book, like if I meet new people I usually will tell you anything. Like I'm such an open book and I try to be myself as much as I can, especially now that I'm older. Like I used to be very reserved and now I try to like break past that right away. Sometimes I can't, I get in my head and I feel like anxious or like socially awkward, but like I try to. I go in being like, okay, just be outgoing, and then, once I can break past it, I feel fine. So I was trying to do that and then all of a sudden I just felt like, oh wait, maybe this isn't my like safe environment. Maybe, like I don't actually know these people that well, like, uh, I don't know. Like I kind of got paranoid.

Speaker 1: 24:02

I think that happens because a few years ago I did a podcast about this, about I think it's called I lost my job. Is that what that podcast episode is called? I don't know, but I did a podcast all about this. Oh no, that was a different podcast. Maybe this one was I Quit my Job. I've been through a lot of jobs with the cuties. I think this one was I Quit my Job but my first job back, my first in-person job after COVID in the new city that we're living in.

Speaker 1: 24:26

I had a really interesting experience with the team I was working with, what happened to be all female and it ended up being like not the most positive experience, and I think that plays into now how I enter female groups which, like I hate that. That that's how it is. But also, at the same time, I think there is rhyme and reason to the need to feel protective over myself, because let's continue on the female adventures of this year. That was that experience and it really wasn't even there was no conflict or anything. It was more of me just getting in my head and all of a sudden feeling like wait, this isn't like a safe space that I really know everybody and feel like I can be myself. And then fast forward.

Speaker 1: 25:07

My other friend's bachelorette was wonderful. I was reuniting with a bunch of people that I used to spend more time with and hadn't been as much anymore, and then also meeting a bunch of new people. It felt really fun and good and easy and breezy and I felt I could be myself and I felt really authentic. But I also had two of my bestie girls there and it's's like I feel like. Then you feel like you're like in a really safe unit. If you got two girls, you're like okay, I'm good. I always have people to turn to if I don't feel good. But I always felt good. I met great, I met new people, I felt really wonderful about it and it was such a fun experience.

Speaker 1: 25:44

And then that kind of was like oh my gosh, like it is okay, it's I'm, I'm okay person, I'm not going to offend people, and people will understand that I'm not trying to hurt their feelings or offend them and I know that might sound wild that I'm saying that because I think that I think that the cuties really do understand me and get me. But like something in my real life I tend to offend people very easily is something recently that I'm learning, or since that experience with that one job. And then I don't know, I just like get stressed because I accidentally had really offended somebody and hurt their feelings and I felt like I wasn't being understood when I was trying to explain that that wasn't what I was trying to do and then it was just a bad experience after that and so really I get really nervous about that. But then after this experience this other bachelorette, I was like, oh my gosh, no, I love being with the girls. It's so fun, we can all just joke and rag on each other and have a good time and and laugh and love each other and dance and it's all good, like everything's okay and I can be an open book and I can tell people I can talk about whatever and I try to. I feel like I I want to be someone who makes people feel warm and cared for and that they can speak their speak about whatever they want to speak about and be welcomed and unjudged Like that's what I go into a social setting, feeling like I want to do, and I feel like now, more often than not, I leave new social settings with women hurting their feelings and it's hard to explain and I also don't want to get into like super details or expose anybody or anything like that. That's not what I'm here for. It's just me processing all of this.

Speaker 1: 27:29

That being said, there were two main events this year where I really felt like I got into. I somehow was being, I somehow was being brought into different settings with two new people that I met this year and had a very similar experience, and I accidentally offended both of them. I accidentally offended both of them and both times I tried to take accountability for it and move on. And I feel like with the first time it happened, I was like overwhelmed, so overwhelmed, by what was going on. I was like, oh my gosh, like I did not mean at all to offend you or make you feel bad or anything like that, I don't know. I just felt bad about it for a long, long time, even after I apologized and everything Like I just held that in me. And then the second time it happened, it was so very I was very unexpected and I was just like I've been equipped, I've practiced, I know what to do now and so I'm learning that all these social experiences are actually like, and bumps in the road and discomfort are actually teaching me something. And so the second time it happened, with a different person and with for a different reason, I knew right away to apologize and I actually like I value those two women who had conflict with me because they taught me two really important things.

Speaker 1: 28:40

One, I've always been afraid of conflict. Two, I avoid it, like because I've been afraid of it, I avoid it and I always try to like people, please, in that sense Like, if I feel a certain way and I always try to like people, please, in that sense, like if I feel a certain way, I'll try to take the polite way out and just like keep it to myself. And if it continues to happen, then it's like okay, I'm just not going to hang out with that person, which, honestly, I think there is value added in doing that way, especially when it's like a social setting with other people's friends, like you're not necessarily going to hang out with this person ever again, unless it's in like a birthday or whatever. So to me it's like okay, it's not worth saying anything, I can just turn around and talk to other people that I know or whatever. These two people who had conflict with me helped me to realize that like okay, people can. You can do what you want to do and try to protect the energy in the space and give off a vibe of accepting and welcoming and whatever.

Speaker 1: 29:30

And people may read that completely wrong and come at you and enlist a boundary or be aggressive or whatever it is, and you can just apologize and say I'm sorry that I made you feel that way and move on and try to do better, which is what I've learned that I can, I have the ability to do that, and then I don't need to linger on and think, okay, I'm the worst person ever. Oh my gosh, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. It's like that is them telling you what they need and you apologize, and it's easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl. I'm learning that like on my end. I I'm learning that like on my end. I am really good at that now I'm really good. I'm not really good at it, but like I now feel really good about doing that and just like taking ownership. It feels really good to take ownership, even if it's over something that you don't feel you did or that you were the problem or anything like that.

Speaker 1: 30:24

The thing is, everyone has a different lived experience and if someone's coming to you and telling you how they feel you've made them feel, it feels more freeing to say I'm sorry that I did that and I didn't ever mean to make you feel that way, and then to yourself, make the promise like I'm going to do better in the future and just move on, and it feels so light, light as a feather, and I think that for me, it's because a lot of these issues that have arised or conflicts that I've faced this past year really don't have, don't really don't hold much weight. And I'm not trying to say that to dismiss any of these people and how they feel, but just in the sense that like it's like they're not, it's not with people who are like my, my core. If it was my core circle, it's like I want to be in the trenches with you making sure. But I also don't think the people in my core circle would ever feel that way, because they get me, they understand me and we have a vibe and a friendship. But like other people, yeah, it's just funny, it's. It's like this, it's like this running joke in my head now, that I'm just like a person who causes conflict when I really don't think I am, but I guess I am because it is happening. Okay, this podcast kind of probably makes sense, anyway.

Speaker 1: 31:39

So that's a little bit about my experience with female friendship this past year, especially in group settings, female group settings and especially in mixed group female settings, where it's like friend groups meeting friend groups or you're coming in as like the odd one out in a new friend group and just like clashing and and figuring out a mesh and maybe not meshing and clashing and all of this stuff. It's like really I'm just shocked every time it happens and that a conflict arises, and then how I can sometimes be at the center of it and it's like, oh my gosh, like I never want to make anyone feel bad and I don't know. I don't know specifically what it is that I'm doing. I think sometimes I can be really, I can say things from. I think. A lot of the times I say things from like a version of my lived experience or something, and it comes off in a way that maybe sounds belittling to somebody. But I'm not saying it at all. I'll be saying it in a way where it's like I felt that too, but they don't know that I felt that. So then I have to like I don't know, it's a lot, but anyways, all this to be said is I'm just learning that navigating friend groups can still be hard in your 30s and that's just like one of those things where I'm like wow, that's why I love that I just have my small group of friends and that I can just be 100% myself with them.

Speaker 1: 33:05

It just feels easy, breezy, beautiful cover girl. And the thing is, we worked for that. We worked over years to build this friendship and it's like I have to remember that those people who are in my life now, who I consider my like ride or dies, like we've worked years and years and years to have this amazing, beautiful friendship. And so for the new people that I'm meeting, it's like they're new, they don't know me, they don't know, they don't know, they're just. They're perceiving me off of whatever I'm coming into, and I don't know what that is Like. I don't know how they perceive me. Obviously because I'm me, I can't perceive myself from an outwardly view or whatever.

Speaker 1: 33:49

I'm someone who, like, if I talk to you once and it's like a good, it's a good conversation, like if I talk to you once and it's a good back and forth, like I'm like, oh yeah, they're my friend. Like I refer to people as friends who probably don't refer to me as friends, and I refer to people as good friends who probably don't refer to me as good friends. Like does that make sense? I just feel like I always am so quick to befriend somebody and like act like we've known each other and like that we have now created a friendship, even after meeting one time, and I'm learning that that's not, that's not how it works.

Speaker 1: 34:09

But I also don't take it too seriously. Like if someone walks into my life I'll be like, oh yeah, my friend, and that they never talk to me again or we're never in a social setting again. I don't hold that against them or anything. And like if I was to bring it up with somebody else or someone else brought them up to me, I'd be like, oh yeah, my friend. Like I'd be like, oh yeah, my friend. Like I just feel, like I have this very is it nonchalant, I don't know Like I just want to make people feel welcomed and accept it. But then I also have to realize that when someone meets me, they are perceiving me in a way that might not be the way that I feel. Like I'm being perceived, which, like that's confusing. It's very confusing. I need other people to understand. Also, I'm not sure if any of this made sense, because I'm trying not to. I'm trying to be like general but also specific, if that makes sense.

Speaker 1: 34:57

I have learned over this past year that navigating friend groups can be a really tough situation because everyone is so different and if you're used to a communication style of one way, I'm learning that like everyone really does have a different communication style and some people are just really upfront and it can come off like I don't think the word is intimidating, but like a little bit overwhelming, and you can just clash. You can really just clash with someone for not necessarily one specific reason or because there's like this huge conflict. It's like you just don't mesh and meld and it's like I haven't experienced that either in a long time or just like in my adult life, where you really just don't like mesh and meld with someone. Like I feel like you could always just be like nice at ease or if I don't really vibe with what you're saying, like so much so that it's offending me, like I'll just leave the conversation like in a group setting, like, especially if it's like a party or something, it's like okay, I'll just go talk to somebody else.

Speaker 1: 35:54

People have all different types of conflict strategies and conflict resolution and that I also just need to not be so offended not me offended, but offended at how somebody like finds me offensive. I just need to like not hold people's words with such heavy weight like I feel like sometimes I'll give. I feel like I'll give people who are brand new in my life the same capacity or hurt like if I've hurt them, like feel this, like oh pain about it, even though I literally just met them and I don't plan to be their friend like in any other setting than this setting or like other neutral settings to this. So it's like, why am I letting it like run my life? I've learned over this past year that if you don't vibe with someone and and or someone doesn't vibe with you and they let you know, you can just say you can just take ownership for that and remove yourself from the situation. And it is the most freeing experience literally ever, because truly I love that saying that always goes around.

Speaker 1: 36:56

I feel like on TikTok when people say, like you don't, other people's opinions of you are none of your business, and I really do feel that, especially in this type of setting I'm talking specifically about like I don't know if the right word is surface level friends, but like social people that you socialize with, people that you socialize with in other settings but like not necessarily in your friend group. It's just there's so much power in taking ownership, apologizing if you need to and just removing yourself from the situation. Like it is the most freeing thing ever, because I've had three experiences this past year where I feel like, in the moment I feel the weight of the world. I'm like, oh my gosh. And then I like in two of those, I like really got in my head about it, and then by the third one, it was like I have experienced this before and I'm learning.

Speaker 1: 37:44

All these uncomfortable situations have brought me to this moment where I now feel like I am equipped with the tools to. Situations have brought me to this moment where I now feel like I am equipped with the tools to take ownership, to know to take ownership, to apologize and move past and just let go. Let go and live, and that feels really freeing, and so I just really want to share that message with you. Another big lesson I've learned out of all of this is really just that I respect people who are able to stand up for themselves and put their boundaries out there, even if to me it feels like, oh, I felt like that was uncalled for, but to them it feels like something like that's me learning, like, okay, I respect that they can do that, because that's not something I'm very good at doing at all, and so I just feel like I always try to think of it from another person's perspective and then that allows me to like, move forwards and let go of it. It's like, okay, I see it from their perspective. Now I can move forwards and let go.

Speaker 1: 38:33

I'm really working on the letting go, especially when it comes now to these different social settings and things. It can be hard, but I think I'm getting a lot better at it. This week I learned I might be the problem, but also I'm not the problem because I'm taking accountability for my actions and I'm letting go and I'm learning that everyone is different truly, and that really in life you sometimes you just clash with people, you do not meld, and that you're just not meant to be friends and that's okay, it's not a big deal, it really isn't. And I still really do love female friendships and I think it's so empowering. And I still really do love female friendships and I think it's so empowering.

Speaker 1: 39:09

And I think one thing about being a female and participating in female friendships is that a lot of us have been conditioned to have this sense of competition against each other. And even if you're not having competition, it's like in the back of your head it's not something that, like, you might be thinking about in that moment, but in your mind it might be there and it just feels like something that, like you might be thinking about in that moment. But in your mind it might be there and it just feels like something that we, as females, have to push past and always be fighting for each other and uplifting each other and caring and making sure that we support each other and love each other, because, at the end of the day, there's the most beautiful bond between females. I do believe that, like I, I really do feel like I have learned to be my best, most authentic self in female led groups, and it's a wonderful place to be. So I'm still grateful and I'm grateful for everything I've learned this year and I'm grateful for every bump in the road, because it really has taught me how to be a more resilient person, and I feel like that's something I'm always trying to lean into is my resilience, because I'm very quick to quiet down and be polite or avoid conflict, and so, even though in the moment I hate that, I'm like struck with some sort of conflict, I always love it because it helps me to learn how to be more, more resilient, and I think that's a really important thing to be.

Speaker 1: 40:34

Let's get into our roses, buds and thorns. I'm now leaning so much closer to my camera because the lighting is being weird, but let's see if this fixes it. Okay, let's get into our roses buds and thorns. But let's see if this fixes it. Okay, let's get into our roses, buds and thorns. My rose this week was I love taking Ro to our Taylor Swift dance party and then just being on top of laundry. Those are my two really big things. Like I just am feeling really content with laundry right now, which like if you've been listening to this podcast for years, you know that has never been ever a feeling. I've been feeling and it's taken a long time, and you know what Hard things do take a long time, but I feel like I'm really finding my stride, so that's really great. And then I just had such a fun time with Ro at the Taylor Swift dance party.

Speaker 1: 41:21

My thorn I don't even think my thorn was necessarily being so paranoid over getting sick this weekend, because that actually made me super productive, because I was like, okay, if I'm going to be really sick, I want to make sure the house is in order. I want to make sure everything is put together nicely. So it didn't. It wasn't so negative. What is my thorn? This one might be hard cute.

Speaker 1: 41:45

It's been a good week. It is only Tuesday. Okay, I'm really stretching for this one. But last night I fell asleep so early with Rosie and then I was up at like 12 and then did the whole like I couldn't fall back asleep. But I did. I didn't go on my phone and I just put on a podcast, so I was proud of myself. So that was a little good move forward.

Speaker 1: 42:01

But I find like in the winter I do go to bed by like eight or nine. Like I'm in bed probably by eight, 30 and then asleep by like nine, nine, 30. And I'm happy with that. But like the seven is too early, it's like then I will not sleep well and then it messes up my sleep schedule and my bud. I have so much to look forward to.

Speaker 1: 42:20

I'm actually so excited about this week. It's going to be full of so much fun friend time, some really good one-on-one friend time, so I'm so excited for that. And then also I'm getting my haircut later today, which I'm so excited about, because it is just like so heavy, my hair gets really, really thick and then I know I need a new haircut and I, when I was coming home from Disney world, I we were literally in line on the last day at one of the star Wars rides and I I was like I need to book a haircut and I thought I'd be able to get in in like a week or two, but I couldn't get until the end of February. So I'm so excited to get my haircut. I just need. It's like, at that point, you know where it's just like the clip doesn't clip as well, it doesn't dry the way you want it to dry and it just feels that like heaviness or, if you like, wear it up. It's like my gosh, it feels like too much. So I'm really looking forward to that. But yeah, that's my roses, buds and thorns.

Speaker 1: 43:08

Let's get into entertainment recap. Entertainment recap. Entertainment recap. If you are watching YouTube, I don't know why my video just keeps going out between, like this doll it's almost like black and white coloring to the other coloring. It just keeps like turning out. That's why I'm leaning so close to the camera, because I'm like, okay, is that helping? I don't know.

Speaker 1: 43:30

Anyways, I just had to say that this week I watched oh, me and bro watched such a good movie last night. She'd already seen it. She said, um, but I hadn't. I loved it. It was on Netflix. It was called was it called Mitchell's save the world? Is that what it's called? Oh, the mitchell's verse the machines. It's on netflix. It was so good. I really, really loved it. Great for the family. I just thought it was such a fun movie. So if you haven't watched that yet, the mitchell's save or the mitchell's verse the machines, such a good animated movie. I really enjoyed it. I did watch the SAG Awards, which I don't know if I've ever watched the SAG Awards, and when I say I watched it, I only watched. I think it was like over two hours. So I only watched an hour and a half of it because then I had to go pick up Ro. But it was entertaining. I really enjoyed it and I wish that they did more live streaming of those things Like I would love to watch the Oscars, but we don't have TV and stuff like that. So, yeah, I wish they did more. I'm glad that Netflix streamed it. So that was fun.

Speaker 1: 44:34

Summer House and Below Deck loving it. Oh, I started. Love is Blind. I'm all caught up. I didn't know if I was going to watch it or not.

Speaker 1: 44:41

People are saying they don't love this season as much as they loved the last, but you know, I'm actually enjoying it. I haven't not not been enjoying it. I'm looking forward to the next episodes dropping. I feel like when I normally watch it, all of them are out. So I'm like, oh no, I didn't. I started too early because now I have to wait till Friday, but so I've started.

Speaker 1: 44:57

Love is blind oh, I'm having a sleepover this weekend with my girlfriend. I wonder if she's watching love is blind, because then we could watch the other episodes on Friday. I feel feel like she's probably not, but if she was, that would be fun. I'm enjoying it. It's not like super dramaful and some of the couples are kind of boring, but other ones it's like I don't quite understand. I feel like this one I really can't read the people that well, like I'm like I'm trying to see from the perspective of the boy's side and the girl's side and I don't know, like I'm kind of getting lost. So I'm just like excited to see how it plays out. Like I feel like that's where I'm at and I think that's all I'm watching.

Speaker 1: 45:31

As for listening, nothing new on my radar this week, um, and no, no highlighting. Yeah, nothing really highlighted or new on the radar. I feel like I just got down and I watched a lot. I feel like I spent the weekend watching Love is Blind and folding laundry. But yeah, so that's everything in my entertainment recap. Okay, cutes, thank you so much for being here.

Speaker 1: 45:55

I feel like this week's episode I was so excited to talk about and then I feel like I got really overstimulated at the beginning. I'm still figuring out my perfect recording situation. I'm so happy that we're back. We're back in this environment. I'm getting back to being comfortable here. Not that I'm not comfortable, but I'm just like figuring out what my real comfort is and like how I can thrive my best to just show up at the mic and be my best version of myself, my best podcasting version of myself. You know what I mean. I appreciate all the support with the return of the podcast. It means so much. I'm so excited that so many cuties are so happy about being back and I can't wait to talk again next week.

Speaker 1: 46:29

Also, I think I'm going to be doing a fun new monthly episode, which I guess would be next week's episode. I have a new concept idea that I want to start implementing, I think once a month, and it involves a little bit of a Q&A section. So follow me over on Instagram or comment down below on YouTube, but I'm going to be asking for Q&A questions, so if you have any, feel free to ask them, or you can DM me. But I'll also like put a little box up on Instagram later this week so that I can get them all collected. But I look forward to meeting you next week and I wish you all some sunshine, some and a lot of laughs along the way. See you next week, cutes, Bye, love ya.